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Tone Police to get extra funding

The Home Office confirmed: 'They do vital work, policing Twitter, ensuring everyone is polite, rather than correct. The last thing we want is an informed and uncivil public, imagine the unrest. We need hushed tones, a reverential attitude and absolutely no one with an opinion.'

Unlike other branches of the police force, the Tone Police has increased in numbers, flooded with liberal volunteers all over social media. Successful prosecutions have risen 300% this year, given that there is no need for evidence or due process, you just need a sense of righteous superiority.'

This follows extra funds directed to the Neighbourhood Tw$t scheme. 'Britain's streets will not be safer but everyone will wear the right tie. And no more complaints about the Met Police, please, not unless they are delicately phrased - you don't want a visit from the Grammar Police as well.'

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