Sunak accidentally re-instates Braverman before sacking her

The government has been thrown into confusion after PM Rishi Sunak appeared to announce that Suella Braverman is to be the new Home Secretary.

When asked how she could be the new Home Secretary when she was already the Home Secretary there was an awkward pause before Sunak had a flunky issue a statement:

'Remember that time - less than a year ago - when Suella Braverman leaked classified documents and had to resign, but was then reinstated 6 days later, just to assuage the swivel-eyed loons? Well, in that spirit, Rishi is delighted to re-re-re-re-re-instate Ms Braverman and I'm sure she'll do an excellent job, this time.' The flunky was seen to cross his fingers at this point. 'She will be just as excellent as she was last time.'

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UK to fix broken asylum system, once it stops breaking it

The Home Secretary was clear, the last 30 years of screwing around with immigration, was just the beginning. 'The only way to a mend a thing, is to destroy it. You can't make an omelette without breaking some human rights.

'If anything, we need to smash it some more, we haven't hit rock bottom yet. We propose to restrict asylum to leap years, only. Applicants will have to pass a basic criteria - they must have a second cousin called Rufus, be able to quote from Pliny the Elder, name all the members of the Justice League and can whistle the tune to the Dambusters - backwards.

'We've 4,000 people crammed into a processing centre designed for 1,600 - but that just proves how popular our system is. We just need a few more tweaks and we can have a functioning version of Battle Royale.'

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Great Offices of State downgraded to Shite Offices

By overwhelming popular demand, the original 'Great Offices of State' will now be called Shite Offices of State.

Guarder of Shite (formerly Home Secretary) - Blaming the unemployed, minorities, disabled people and whoever might be likely to beat them in an election, and calling them "Shite".

Thrower of Shite (formerly Foreign Secretary) - Blaming the EU, foreigners, Russia, Rwanda, Greece, Argentina, Germany, France, and probably any nation, foreigner or even people who look or sound a little foreign, including anyone outside of London and the South East, and especially if Scots, Welsh, or Irish, and calling them all "Shite".

Counter of Shite (formerly Chancellor of the Exchequer) - Balancing the debts against the future debts, shite or otherwise, and looking at new and inventive ways of making people believe that shite happens, and they'll have to pay for it, while also telling them that shite can't happen to them, cos they are too rich or posh, and don't shite. Also referring to anyone with less than ten million of assets, as "Shite".

Head Shite Kicker (formerly Prime Minister) - In this role, the shite gets real, and you need your wits about you to avoid shite sticking to you. Of course, you'll have ample opportunity to kick shite into the long grass, and if you try to throw enough shite at the wall, some of it will stick. And of course, calling random people "Shite", cos it's a top job, with no legal penalties. Do what you want. Say what you want.

A former government source gave his take on things, because he wouldn't talk when he was actually in the government. After some gentle persuasion and a few grand, he gave his wisdom:

'I guess the shite has really hit the fan. The government has no fans left and perhaps that's why they have no shites to give.

Image: Alexas_Fotos | Pixabay