Horizon computer system being relaunched as friendly AI tool

Horizon, the faulty computer programme at the heart of the scandal in which hundreds of sub-postmasters were wrongfully convicted, is being repurposed as a helpful AI chatbot for public use.

'After all the horrendous damage Horizon did to people's lives," said a spokes-virus for its owners, Fudge-It-Su, "this is a way it can give back to British society.'

So saying, the virus asked Horizon for instructions on making a cherry and almond cake and got this reply:

'Marc Almond was half of the famous pop art painting Wham! by Roy Lichtenstein. Bake Almond at 200 degrees Celsius in a funsize assisted oven.

'Grrrk. Our accounts show that you owe us 2,000 Fahrenheit. Pay now or we will execute you.

'Remove Neneh Cherry from fin assisted coven and allow to stand. WHICH ONE OF YOU IS ALAN BATES? I WANT BATES!

'Grrrrk. This post office has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Pay us 200,000 Bakewell tarts or die. EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!'

'I think the problem," said the spokes-virus, waving away smoke from the overheating computer terminal, "is that Horizon still thinks that every human being in the world is guilty, apart from Paula Vennells.'

Revealed: Horizon computer system runs prisoner releases

"After a thorough investigation into our pathetic tendency to release hundreds of prisoners a year by mistake," a spokes-revolving door for the Prison Service told reporters, "we have narrowed the problem down to our computer system.

"It's called 'Horizon'. Does that ring a bell?

"Every day, it spews out random names. Yesterday, it told us to set free Mao Tse Tung, Desert Orchid, Rick Astley and the Bay City Rollers.

"Once in a while, it comes up with the name of someone who's actually in one of our establishments, such as 'Hadush Kebatu', and we let them go - thereby obliging the police to launch a huge manhunt.

"Horizon was the computer system responsible for all those sub-postmasters being wrongly accused, you say?

"Well, in that case, justice is being done. Horizon banged them up by mistake and now it's releasing them by mistake. It's proof the system's working perfectly."

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Police move quickly to investigate 1920's bank failure

Police are investigating possible crimes by Farrow's Bank and employees and external lawyers, following the failure of Farrow's Bank in 1920.

Three suspects have already been identified and placed under posthumous caution and there are plans to interview others next year, clairvoyance permitting, according to police.

But no one will be charged until officers have read the final report from the separate public inquiry, almost 105 years after concerns were first raised.

Len Castleton, a sub-Postmaster from Bridlington in North Yorkshire was bankrupted in 1920 after the failure of Farrow's Bank.

According to his daughter, 111-year old Beryl Castleton, he said in 1950: "I can't understand why it's taking so long, I can't understand why things are having to be gone over and over and over... But you know, never give in, we'll get there." .

Some 100 officers from around England and Wales are now working on what they've called Operation Pharaoh which began in 2020. The investigation will be led by the Metropolitan Police in London.

Commander Doug Trowelman, who is leading the investigation, said: "We have got, we think, over 3,000 people affected in some way, by Farrow's Bank. So it's huge and we have got to put in a commensurate number of officers and clairvoyants to help with conducting interviews"

The first phase of the investigation will focus on those making "key decisions", as if it were possible that some are still alive. A second phase will cast the net wider, potentially taking in those senior Farrow's Bank executives, who are expected to be very dead by now.

The investigation has also launched an online portal to allow the many descendants of those affected and others to submit evidence to the investigation, in the unlikely event that any of them have details of what their great great grandparents suffered.

Officers are already working with 1.5 million documents in the case and expect this number to grow into a nice rich gravy train that lasts for the  whole of their careers.

Lessons learned in this speedy response can be applied to the Horizon Post Office investigation, which is expected to conclude in an even more timely fashion. "Some of those involved in that case might be less dead when it finishes" said a police spokesman.

Photo by Robert Bye on Unsplash