Revealed: Horizon computer system runs prisoner releases

"After a thorough investigation into our pathetic tendency to release hundreds of prisoners a year by mistake," a spokes-revolving door for the Prison Service told reporters, "we have narrowed the problem down to our computer system.

"It's called 'Horizon'. Does that ring a bell?

"Every day, it spews out random names. Yesterday, it told us to set free Mao Tse Tung, Desert Orchid, Rick Astley and the Bay City Rollers.

"Once in a while, it comes up with the name of someone who's actually in one of our establishments, such as 'Hadush Kebatu', and we let them go - thereby obliging the police to launch a huge manhunt.

"Horizon was the computer system responsible for all those sub-postmasters being wrongly accused, you say?

"Well, in that case, justice is being done. Horizon banged them up by mistake and now it's releasing them by mistake. It's proof the system's working perfectly."

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

Police move quickly to investigate 1920's bank failure

Police are investigating possible crimes by Farrow's Bank and employees and external lawyers, following the failure of Farrow's Bank in 1920.

Three suspects have already been identified and placed under posthumous caution and there are plans to interview others next year, clairvoyance permitting, according to police.

But no one will be charged until officers have read the final report from the separate public inquiry, almost 105 years after concerns were first raised.

Len Castleton, a sub-Postmaster from Bridlington in North Yorkshire was bankrupted in 1920 after the failure of Farrow's Bank.

According to his daughter, 111-year old Beryl Castleton, he said in 1950: "I can't understand why it's taking so long, I can't understand why things are having to be gone over and over and over... But you know, never give in, we'll get there." .

Some 100 officers from around England and Wales are now working on what they've called Operation Pharaoh which began in 2020. The investigation will be led by the Metropolitan Police in London.

Commander Doug Trowelman, who is leading the investigation, said: "We have got, we think, over 3,000 people affected in some way, by Farrow's Bank. So it's huge and we have got to put in a commensurate number of officers and clairvoyants to help with conducting interviews"

The first phase of the investigation will focus on those making "key decisions", as if it were possible that some are still alive. A second phase will cast the net wider, potentially taking in those senior Farrow's Bank executives, who are expected to be very dead by now.

The investigation has also launched an online portal to allow the many descendants of those affected and others to submit evidence to the investigation, in the unlikely event that any of them have details of what their great great grandparents suffered.

Officers are already working with 1.5 million documents in the case and expect this number to grow into a nice rich gravy train that lasts for the  whole of their careers.

Lessons learned in this speedy response can be applied to the Horizon Post Office investigation, which is expected to conclude in an even more timely fashion. "Some of those involved in that case might be less dead when it finishes" said a police spokesman.

Photo by Robert Bye on Unsplash

Post Office admits pre-Horizon system Abacus may have been faulty

While the inquiry into the Horizon IT scandal continues its work, the Post Office has now admitted that the accounting system prior to Horizon may itself have been faulty. Abacus seemed at first glance to be a relatively straightforward rod and bead apparatus, but sub-postmasters have revealed they had their doubts about its accuracy soon after it was installed.

Raj Williams, who ran a small village post office, said problems started almost immediately after he received his Abacus from Post Office Counters. 'It just didn’t add up,' he told us. 'I’d be pushing these beads about for each transaction and at the end of the day what was on the Abacus didn’t match what I had in the till. I rang the Help Desk but they completely ticked me off. Told me to pick it up and put it down again.'

Meanwhile, The Post Office concedes there might have been an issue with sum devices, but insists nobody is making a drama out of it and any compensation due will be tabulated in the usual way.

A spokesperson for Fujitsu commented, 'At least we’re not in the frame for this one.'

Photo by Kati Hoehl on Unsplash