Horoscopes for November, by The Curmudgeon

Aries

You will meet someone tomorrow that will change your life in a profound way. Or you could just pay that tax and everything will be back to normal.

Taurus

Unfortunately, the cat got at your charts so the reading has somewhat slewed. Watch out for hairballs, the wrong kind of litter and the smell of tuna. Keep working on that purr, and avoid mice at all times, no matter how tasty they may look.

Gemini

Using a fairground as a metaphor, your life, so far, Has been all swings and roundabouts. From now on it will be dodgems and waltzers. Make of that what you will.

Cancer

You have about 5 minutes left to live by the time you've finished reading this. Just about time for a crafty wank, considering your heart condition

Leo

You need to revisit your childhood trauma. Turns out you were a massive bellend and you need to confront that with honesty and courage. Probably be best to have a few pints beforehand so you can fake the honesty and courage.

Virgo

The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.

Libra

If life repeatedly gives you lemons you have to worry about who is suggesting replacement items for your on-line supermarket shop

Scorpio

As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you.  Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied.  Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.

Sagittarius

The heavens are very much in your favour, you are living your best life at the moment. This is as good as it can be.

Depressing thought isn't it ?

Capricorn

The moon is very dominant in your chart this month. You may feel the urge to moon your boss, police officers, your neighbours, and/or members of the clergy. If you do succumb to temptation then you should be aware that a magistrate will have heard the 'it was in my horoscope' defence before, and that it is unlikely to get you off.

Aquarius

You will bring great joy to a number of families this month. So kudos to you for always carrying a donor card

Pisces

You have had recent run ins with a close family member. They have condemned your behaviour and you cannot disagree. They have humiliated you and wounded your pride. And rightly so.

Authors

Simonjjames: Aries, Leo, Virgo

Deskpilot: Scorpio, Pisces

Flasharry: Taurus, Sagittarius,Libra

Sinnick: Cancer

Lockjaw: Gemini, Aquarius

www.newsbiscuit.com

Horoscopes for November, by The Curmudgeon

Aries

You will meet someone tomorrow that will change your life in a profound way. Or you could just pay that tax and everything will be back to normal.

Taurus

Unfortunately, the cat got at your charts so the reading has somewhat slewed. Watch out for hairballs, the wrong kind of litter and the smell of tuna. Keep working on that purr, and avoid mice at all times, no matter how tasty they may look.

Gemini

Using a fairground as a metaphor, your life, so far, Has been all swings and roundabouts. From now on it will be dodgems and waltzers. Make of that what you will.

Cancer

You have about 5 minutes left to live by the time you've finished reading this. Just about time for a crafty wank, considering your heart condition

Leo

You need to revisit your childhood trauma. Turns out you were a massive bellend and you need to confront that with honesty and courage. Probably be best to have a few pints beforehand so you can fake the honesty and courage.

Virgo

The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.

Libra

If life repeatedly gives you lemons you have to worry about who is suggesting replacement items for your on-line supermarket shop

Scorpio

As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you.  Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied.  Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.

Sagittarius

The heavens are very much in your favour, you are living your best life at the moment. This is as good as it can be.

Depressing thought isn't it ?

Capricorn

The moon is very dominant in your chart this month. You may feel the urge to moon your boss, police officers, your neighbours, and/or members of the clergy. If you do succumb to temptation then you should be aware that a magistrate will have heard the 'it was in my horoscope' defence before, and that it is unlikely to get you off.

Aquarius

You will bring great joy to a number of families this month. So kudos to you for always carrying a donor card

Pisces

You have had recent run ins with a close family member. They have condemned your behaviour and you cannot disagree. They have humiliated you and wounded your pride. And rightly so.

Authors

Simonjjames: Aries, Leo, Virgo

Deskpilot: Scorpio, Pisces

Flasharry: Taurus, Sagittarius,Libra

Sinnick: Cancer

Lockjaw: Gemini, Aquarius

www.newsbiscuit.com

Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

Aries

You are a committed, passionate and obsessive person. You naturally, therefore, spend a lot of your time following your passions, day and night, every day of the week.

Let’s face it, if that's the best defence you can muster, then you're looking at a custodial sentence.

Taurus

The smell is dog mess. The person who stepped in it was you. The trail you left is awful. It's time to leave the cathedral tour.

Gemini

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. A place on an industry regulatory committee is surely in your grasp.

Cancer

This month, everything will be upbeat and positive for you - but make the most of it : you'll have an absolute shocker of a run into the New Year. Really, really grim. Sorry.

Leo

In your dreams, you are Donald Trump - powerful, iconoclastic, rich and confident. In real life you are Donald Trump - weird hair, bruised hand, incoherent and strangely orange.

Virgo

The arrival of an unexpected bundle of joy will immeasurably change your life. Mostly used £20's and £50's, ask no questions, keep your trap shut, understand ?

Libra

If music be the food of love, you'll be on a strict diet of John Cage's 4' 33" this month

Scorpio

You might be feeling a little but shaky today. Don't worry, crystal meth is a bit jangly on the come down. You'll get used to it. Also, do the lottery this weekend!

Sagittarius

Paradise will call you suddenly. For god's sake, don't answer. It's Colin and he wants you to be his plus one at Sting concert with backstage passes. BEWARE.

Capricorn

Avoid pelicans, the Bosporus and orange food, but not oranges. A man named Keith will being you good news but leave a stain on the hall carpet. The issue with the carp will be resolved, but it will not be what you expected. Lycra products will be your undoing. Literally.

Some months, the Eternals can just be so bloody infuriating and obtuse.

Aquarius

You are ready to stand up and shine. Maybe you'll get that car wash job despite that terrible interview.

Pisces

I was shaken when I skryed your chart. I have asked a friend to check my orbs. Excuse the shaky writing. I’ll have to get back to you on this one.

Authors:

deskpilot : Aries, Leo, Aquarius

simonjjames : Taurus, Sagittarius, Scorpio

FlashArry : Gemini, Cancer Virgo, Capricorn

Lockjaw: Libra, Pisces

www.newsbiscuit.com