Horoscopes for April 2026, by Stargazy Phil

Aries

You will go to bed expecting WW3 will happen in your sleep; and that you'll wake up dead, however the Today programme will reveal that Trump was full of crap and his threats were as hollow as his head.

Taurus

Stop lying about liking aubergines, it will end up in a 35 year relationship with a Greek man that will be a bit of trial, to be honest.

Gemini

Your best professions are PR and hermits. Your adversaries are journalists, TV executives, family members and the public. Everyone, basically.

Cancer

A lot of doors will open for you this month. Unfortunately for you, they will then be locked behind you. Naughty, naughty.

Leo

The black dog that stalks the dark recesses of your psyche demands to be let out, if only to play a game of "Fetch".

Embrace the misery and despair : it will be excellent preparation for the Football World Cup, Eurovision and whatever new form of odious bile Nigel Farage manages to exude.

Virgo

Financially, you may be in a difficult situation, with considerable outgoings but limited money coming in. Your idea that 'something will turn up' may not be realistic. Consider if you really need a grade II listed house with 30 rooms and 7 bedrooms. Are you sure you can still afford it?

Libra

You will exude animal magnetism this month. Unfortunately, it won't extend to humans. I'd postpone that trip to the gorilla sanctuary in the DRC, if I was you.

Scorpio

Don't go through the Green Door - Shakin' Stevens was wrong. Worlds of pain.

Sagittarius

Something significant will happen to you this month. For the life of me, I can't work out what it is. Silly me. If I work it out, I'll get back to you. Here's hoping its something good!

Capricorn

We should all strive to improve ourselves, but just relying on plastic surgery is not the answer. Trout lips look terrible on everyone except trout, and who wants to go around kissing fish ? Well, apart from Tony S of Lewisham. Nutter.

Aquarius

Vileda, Proplas, Pegdev, Oxo Pro, Red Gorilla, JMS. OK, that's a bucket list, but not one that is people would normally associate with a sense of adventure. But, hey, it's your life. If that's what turns you on, go for it!

Pisces

Aliens. It's always aliens. Or possibly Reform, or even peer group pressure, you are incapable of making a poor decision, ever. See ? Now that's sarcasm …

Contributors

Deskpilot: Gemini, Virgo

Flasharry: Leo,Scorpio,Pisces

Lockjaw: Cancer, Libra, Sagittarius, Aquarius

Modelmaker: Aries

Simonjjames: Taurus

www.newsbiscuit.com

Horoscopes for March, by Fiery Horse

Aries

You seem to be unaffected by the fallout from the Epstein papers, which leaves you as one of the few uncorrupted individuals east of the Azores. Opportunities may abound, but take care not to get enmeshed in the activities of the next morally reprehensible douchebag waiting in the wings.

Too late …

Taurus

Your astrological chart shows that a time of tremendous change is approaching. This is something to be embraced, not feared. However, if you aren't comfortable with tremendous change, then maybe it's time to figure out Google Pay, and go cashless.

Gemini

Your journey of one thousand miles must begin with a single step. That'll teach you to fly with RyanAir

Cancer

Don't answer the phone for the next 3 times, it will be a man promising you untold riches. He will be lying as it's Clive from work who actually just wants to go for a drink and tell you about his fungal infection.

Leo

You reject the advice of a qualified medical professional, but hang on every word of an online shamanic wanker with a loincloth fetish. Is it any wonder that embarrassing rash never clears up ?

Virgo

Although I'm flattered that you read my prognostications, they shouldn't form the basis of your government's policies, Keir. It’s just a bit of fun.

Libra

Work issues are looming large this month. If you are worried that AI will take your job, then you can relax. It's much more likely that a cheap apprentice will take your job.

Scorpio

As the full moon approaches, you realise your personal problems may not have been as serious as you thought - yeah, you and the other 650 million Scorpions in the world. God, what a way to make a living…

Sagittarius

A free and frank exchange of views should not end with threats to 'chair' the other party.

It is worth considering this during your next performance review.

Capricorn

Your car will cause problems this month and will have a serious oil leak. On the plus side, the oil stain will be in the shape of a rabbit, just like in Small Prophets, and you will get your picture in the local paper. On the minus side, a bounty hunter will recognise your picture, and you will be forced to leave the country for a year or two.

Aquarius

You've never felt that your horoscopes have ever been any good at all, even the vague waffly ones that simultaneously hint at both good and bad news happening soon, quite soon or in the distant future.

Maybe that's because your parents lied about your date of birth? Now why would they do that?? Something for you to think about…

Pisces

A word to the wise: peppercorns. I shall say no more.

Authors

Deskpilot: Taurus, Libra, Aquarius, Capricorn

Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

Lockjaw: Gemini, Virgo, Pisces

SimonJJames: Cancer

Sydalg: Scorpio

Image: Lockjaw

www.newsbiscuit.com

February Horoscopes by Mystic Max

Aries

The Great Bear is prominent in your chart this month. Resist the urge to streak at work.

Taurus

You will have an absolute belter of a month in February. An absolute corker! Make the most of it because everything goes downhill from there.

Gemini

An unexpected sequence of wardrobe malfunctions on the crowded 07:36 from Shawford has introduced you to a whole new social world, and a much more racy alternative to doing the crossword on the journey. We have obtained pictures and CCTV footage: expect us to contact you soon with regards 'reputation protection’.

Cancer

Great news! You can't put a foot wrong. Everything turns out well.

So if you could pass this on to your next door neighbours, that would be great. They don't read NewsBiscuit.

Thanks for that.

Leo

The Leper-King has wrested the Crown of Sighs from the House of Corrunel. The White Prince challenges the Were-lords of Shaddack whilst the sceptre of Yaros has been found in ruined Elbreth.

Pick the bones out of that if you can - I think it has something to do with your nan's bunions, but I'm pissing in the dark here.

This second-rate sub-"Game of Thrones" parody-bollocks is what passes as celestial guidance these days, honestly, we would be better off with an infinite number of monkeys.

Virgo

Virgos are often described as hardworking and practical, which are qualities that can be beneficial in leadership roles. But only if you don't keep dithering, Keir!

Libra

Stop lying about liking aubergines, it will end up in a 35 year relationship with a Greek man that will be a bit of trial, to be honest.

Scorpio

Being typical of your sign, you are stubborn, headstrong and steer you own course through life.

Make up your own prediction, then ignore it, and save me the bother. Repeat next month. Sorted.

Sagittarius

That million pound lottery ticket that you can't find is in the back pocket of your jeans ... that you put in the wash yesterday. Who knows, you may be lucky twice. It may still be intact. 

Capricorn

A black cat crossing your path will be the harbinger of a minor but painful incident or injury. If you own a black cat, or a number of black cats, this month will be a particularly trying one for you.

Aquarius

Alas, the tall, dark, handsome stranger coming into your life will be employed by the local Court bailiffs. His brooding good looks and smouldering eyes will not really compensate for the loss of your 80" flat screen TV

Pisces

Your attempt to create a new clothing fashion will flounder badly. No-one is ready for crotchless lambswool biker chaps over spandex on the daily commute. Best stick with shabby chic or, in your case, just shabby.

Authors

Deskpilot: Aries

Flasharry: Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius

Lockjaw: Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces

Simonjjames: Libra