Horoscopes for June 2025, by the Constant Plancks

Aries

There is considerable scope for health improvements this month. A stethoscope will be helpful. And a gastroscope. And, unfortunately, a colonoscope. And also a telescope. Don't worry - the doctors will get it out.

Taurus

You know that thing with the thing that that person was talking about. Well, it will turn out OK. I hope that makes it clear for you.

Gemini

A tall, dark, handsome stranger looms large in your future, followed by a long and painful convalescence. Not all bears like to be hugged.

Cancer

You will fall deeply asleep in the arms of your lover after some steamy sex in a wheat field. Which is why you won't hear the combine harvester bearing down on you. That will be a bit of a bind, so to speak.

Leo

Your life will be in such a spin this month that you probably need to make use a gyroscope rather than a horoscope.

Virgo

Your charts have become very complicated after you paid good money to name some stars after members of your family.

Aunty Kitty will be in conjunction with your second cousin Ned for the rest of the year. This will bring happiness, anxiety, shame, and a criminal conviction – not necessarily in that order.

Uncle Antonio will make a close pass near Uranus, so you are likely to feel nervous, but also relieved.

NASA will launch test firings at Nana Ruth, to stop her spinning helplessly out of control.

You will come to realise that the star naming thing is a bit of a con. Eventually. Hopefully.

Libra

Not the month to go on a tour of a bell foundry, if you know what's good for you. While we're about it, best cancel that tour of the brewery. Ding-dong and cheers.

Scorpio

You drive a top of the range Ford from 1995, but still don't understand why no one respects you

Sagittarius

Sensible, staid, safe. Leave the exciting stuff to others. Being boring never killed anyone - at least, anyone worth knowing.

Capricorn

If you wake at dawn, you will have an insight that could change the course of human history. However, we both know that you're a lazy sod. So thanks for nothing. You waster!

Aquarius

They say many a mickle makes a muckle. By the end of this month, you will have a substantial muckle. The stars aren't clear about a muckle of what. Ooh, it's exciting, isn't it?

Pisces

As temperatures rise and the holiday season hits its stride, your thoughts turn to steamy seasonal romance and flirtatious dalliances. However, don't set your sights too high - you are making a big ask of Bognor.

Includes horoscope contributions from:

deskpilot : Aries, Virgo

SteveB : Scorpio

FlashArry : Gemini, Pisces, Sagittarius

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

If you're a Leo, here's your horoscope

You will be elected Pope.

You will be dressed up as a medieval drag act.

You will bless the City of Rome and the world.

The US president will call and describe you as "my bitch in the Vatican".

After these festivities, you will spend the rest of your life assisting the Cardinals in finding a rug large enough to sweep all the Catholic church's stuff under.  

Happy hunting.

Horoscopes for May, by Dippy Dave

Aries

Now is a good time to review your financial situation. Going bankrupt, or fleeing abroad, are both credible options and could be better than they sound. Or you could consider travelling to a country with deposits on bottles and cans? You could probably make a decent living off the deposit money, and you would also benefit from more time outside.

Taurus

Whatever Tomasz Schafernaker says does't apply to you.

Gemini

With Venus ascending, focus falls upon your love life. Great changes are in store, although the nature of that change is unclear.

This change could be your partner declaring a willingness to participate in your sexual fantasies : equally, it may mean your partner leaving you to set up a love-nest with the front row of the local rugby team.

Good luck with either.

Cancer

You will be head hunted this month. Who knew there was a Dayak tribe seeking asylum in your area. Probably, a black mark for them. Mind you, you’ll be past caring.

Leo

Your involvement in a global IT failure leads you to suspect that cyber security may not be your "thing". Others are reaching the same conclusion, so best jump before you are pushed. Perhaps your skill set is best suited to a UK water company where, quite frankly, you would probably blend in seamlessly.

Virgo

Soz that I didn't warn you about the runaway bus. I was busy learning reading tarot cards and forgot to make a note. Still, the good news is I’m getting pretty good with the cards. Watch this space!

Libra

The nightmare will continue as your wicked uncle will put a cross in the wrong box at a polling station again.

Scorpio

You will be captured by a rogue troupe of Morris Dancers and then tied to a maypole. The village folk will dance around you throwing tar and feathers until you look like ‘the Dark One’. As the sun goes down you will be set alight to cries of ‘begone, Emmet’. Ah! Good old British traditions.

Sagittarius

Due to some admin cockup at the White House, JD Vance will calling at your front door. I strongly recommend that you hide behind the sofa till he goes away.

Capricorn

The mists of the future have briefly lifted, and I can see a fearsome but uncertain peril approaching you at great speed.

A friendly spirit indicates that chaos can be avoided by using taramasalata as a body rub, and always carrying an old edition of Halliwell's Film Guide. Sage wisdom or the rantings of an enthusiastic piss artist ? You decide, but keep me posted.

Aquarius

Fireworks, music, dancing. You'd have loved it if you had been invited.

Pisces

Today you will encounter the Bulgarian national backgammon champion. Only you won't know if it's the elderly gentleman who smiled at you and let you stroke his pelican on a lead, or the six year old girl singing the theme tune to M*A*S*H and blowing snot bubbles.

Contributions from

deskpilot: Aries

SteveB: Taurus, Libra, Pisces

FlashArry: Gemini, Leo, Capricorn

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