Horoscopes for September by Gertrude de Grimoire

Aries

The interview panel will conclude that you are 'the right one'. Sorry. Correction. The interview panel will conclude that you are 'a right one.' Better luck next time.

Taurus

You can solve a difficult family issue if you are prepared to make one final push. How about a family outing to Beachy Head?

Gemini

Your 'holier-than-thou' vegan friend hasn't mentioned they are vegan for over an hour, and is looking very shifty. Check them for bacon residue.

Cancer

You finally accept that your life is a precautionary tale of poor decisions used to deter others from your chosen path. Keep those goals low and struggle to meet them - but remember, the world loves a hapless underdog. We are all rooting for you, even if it is mostly out of morbid curiosity.

Leo

Your beautiful wife is having a passionate affair with a tall, dark handsome stranger. You should go out to find this rogue, for the next hour at least.

Virgo

It's time to up your game. With confidence you can do anything you want - cooking, electrical work, doctoring - anything. Don't let the naysayers stand in your way.

If you know how to solve the migrant crisis then you should shout it from the rooftops. Or, at the very least, you should paint red lines on some mini roundabouts.

Libra

That weird dirty dream you had about Michael Fassbender last night? That will come true if you don't stop eating Haribo sweeties and speaking in those stupid baby voices.

Scorpio

You have a special bond with someone who always 'gets you'. That would be your parole officer.

Sagittarius

Sadly, you and your potential true love are as ships that pass in the night. Furthermore, you are the Titanic.

Capricorn

Remember, wealth cannot buy you health, but you can get a better class of doughnut.

Aquarius

As Mercury aligns with Saturn, it brings cosmic, life-transforming changes for Aquarians. Unfortunately, these are all cancelled out by the results of an obscure by-election in East Grinstead.

Pisces

The world is your oyster. Unfortunately, cosmically, you are allergic to seafood

Contributions from

SteveB : Libra

deskpilot : Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, 

FlashArry : Gemini, Cancer, Aquarius, Capricorn

Sinnick : Leo

Image: Lockjaw

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