Scottish Grand National in chaos as police horse makes several arrests

National Treasure, a 71-year-old gelding tipped to win Scotland’s greatest steeplechase, has been pulled-over in the final furlong and taken in for questioning.

The 8-1 favourite was being ridden by wee jockey Nicola Sturgeon, who leapt out of the saddle moments before the police horse came alongside. The intervention should have left the field wide open for Fiddler on the Hoof, a 58-year-old stallion, but he fell at the notorious hurdle known as Sticky Fingers Brook.

Just Stop Oil protesters were left feeling dazed and confused when the race came to a sudden stop. Dozens of jockeys ran for cover and left the ground wearing sunglasses and false moustaches.

Apocalypse Horsemen send 'Save the Date' cards

In a fetching floral print, the hand-crafted invitations have been sent to every person on Earth. Remarked Conquest: 'The End of Days always felt so vague. It's been so lovely to have a fixed date at last.'

'Thanks to the inaction and incompetence of world leaders, we are now in a position to plan for our special day. It will be a nondenominational service, but at that point, praying to God will do you no good anyway. Oh, and Famine has sorted out everyone's dietary arrangements - which will be light on calories.

'We took awhile to agree on the day, as we wanted to avoid any rail strikes. We're just so pleased that everyone is invited - well technically, it's compulsory. Trust me, you wouldn't want to miss it for the world... what's left of it.'

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Household Cavalry to provide 18th Duke of Norfolk with a horse during his driving ban

The Household Cavalry have agreed, for the duration of his recent driving ban or until the coronation of His Majesty King Charles III, whichever occurs first, to lend one of their horses to Edward Fitzalan-Howard, the 18th Duke of Norfolk. As Earl Marshal, the duke is defined as 'the principal organiser of royal funeral processions, royal coronation processions and all that kind of stuff'.

However the cavalry have respectfully requested him to observe speed limits, not to ride through any red traffic lights and to bring his horse to a halt when requested to do so by police traffic officers. In particular they have advised his grace to refrain from using his mobile phone while his horse is in motion.

He has also been advised to comply with any police stop-and-search operations intended to detect whether he may be carrying a bladed weapon of any description. It is not known whether he will be required to wear the full uniform of the Household Cavalry.

However, as a mark of respect for the people of Ukraine, and to signify his disapproval of President Putin's invasion of their country, he is at least expected to keep his shirt on at all times.