BMA castigated for not checking Steve Barclay's diary

A red faced BMA, on the start of a new four day strike attempting to bring the NHS to its knees, admitted that none of the union officials checked the Health Minister's diary before calling the strike. 'Fair enough, he's on holiday in some sun-kissed resort so we really can't expect him to turn up for discussions about resolving the crisis,' a union representative said.

The last time they tried to get Mr Barclay around a table he was having his hair cut - a long standing appointment with 'some guy from the high street'. The representative agreed it would be unreasonable to ask him to reschedule his trim as their other customer might be inconvenienced. 'Like the time before - had to walk the dog. We thought that job had finished when Johnson left Number 10, but no, it's a commitment, so fair enough.

'We've checked his diary and it seems very full for the next fourteen months, then nothing. I guess that's our opportunity,' said the representative.

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Sunak suspect in death of satire case

Prime-minister, Rishi Sunak, is believed to be the prime-suspect in the brutal killing of satire.

'I'll miss satire", said a tear faced geek who spends far too long indoors. 'Obviously, I knew things were a bit dicey when Trump became president. But I never thought Rishi Sunak, of all people, would stoop this low - but obviously, he hasn't got so far to go.'

At the last statement, one of the 40 new hospitals released a statement that the body of satire had twitched.

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Explosion hits NHS hospital - and no one notices

With bodies lying everywhere and staff frantically running around, putting out fires, many would have assumed this was a normal Friday. Yet an exploding gas main has left whole sections of the hospital without electricity - so more like a Monday really.

Observed one doctor: 'It's carnage, and that's just morale. Admittedly the devastation has shortened waiting times, but only by killing half the patients.

'The HR department is a smouldering ruin, and we haven't been able to pay or recruit staff in weeks - so no change there then.'