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Mystery businessman offers £1,000,000 prize for someone to kick Boris Johnson up the arse on live TV

Updated: Nov 27, 2021


ree


In a development inspired by legendary sitcom Fr. Ted, a wealthy businessman who wishes to remain anonymous, has offered to pay a cool £1,000,000 to the first person who's able to land Boris Johnson "a good hard kick up the arse" and have the moment captured on live TV.


A spokesman for the mystery tycoon said: 'My boss, Mr X, is sick to death looking at the smirking idiot talking incoherent bollocks and grinning like a bloody Cheshire cat, and feels that someone humiliating Johnson in this manner on live TV would go a long way to making him feel better about the world in general. Hence, such a magnificent sum.'


It's understood that in light of last week's bungled attempt by Mr Johnson to change parliamentary rules in a blatant effort to get his pal out of a bit of trouble, security has been beefed up on government benches in the House of Commons, in case any Tory MPs fancy taking a crack at their leader.


Meanwhile the news is believed to have sparked massive interest across the country, with many offering to carry out the dare but donate the money to charity. And one Buckingham Palace insider is refusing to deny that upon hearing about the proposal, a wistful Queen commented: 'You know, if one was twenty years younger, one might be tempted to have a go oneself when the bloody buffoon shows up here next Wednesday.'





MPs fail to declare MP’s salary – ‘as they haven’t earnt it’

Updated: Nov 26, 2021


ree

Among all their passive incomes, second jobs and consultancy, MPs seem to have forgotten what their day job is – other than putting in expenses claims. When asked what they thought the £80,000 salary was for, most replied: ‘New ties?’.



In the Register of Members’ Financial Interests, one Minister said: ‘Yes, please, I'm interested in money – where can get some more?’. The other top three financial interests were said to be a postal address at the Cayman Islands, Nazi gold and the whereabouts Captain Flint’s treasure.



Another MP denied obtaining money under false pretences: ‘I’m paid to sit in the House of Commons, which is what I do. I sit. I stand. Sometimes I even have a little wander around’.






DUP: 'Away an catch yerselves on! We're not irrelevant crackpots, so we're not!'

A couple of years is a long time in politics, and none feel it more keenly than members of the DUP's parliamentary party.


Ever since the group of reactionary oddballs, keen to return to their happy place - the 14th century - was shat on from a great height by Boris Johnson, when Tories no longer needed to endure the shame of having them prop up the Westminster government, the Northern Ireland group has had to come to the bitter acceptance, that once again, they are a total irrelevance in British politics.


However, DUP spokesman and Witchfinder General, Nelson Nelson, was today refusing to accept what everyone else sees as cold hard facts.


'Away an catch yerselves on! Sure, we're as relevant today as we've ever been. And as a matter of fact we intend to bring forward a private members' bill to call for the reinstatement of the rack, thumbscrews and the breaking wheel for heretics, Catholics and those found guilty of homosexuality, witchcraft, or worst of all, being one of thon other crowd.


'We certainly will continue to make our voices heard, so we will. No doubt about that. Oh aye, mark my words. Tiocfaidh ár lá... no... hang on a minute... erm... ah ballix to it!'

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