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HS2 to terminate in Salford


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The government has admitted that although the HS2 will terminate in Manchester centre, it won't terminate in London centre. 'We used a consultant who was on loan from RyanAir and he suggested we could save a lot of the budget by relocating the terminus to at least one destination outside of the named destination,' said a government spokesman today. 'They use it all the time, apparently. So Rome as a destination actually terminates in Umbria, and all the passengers have to do is to catch a local bus for the final 160km. It's very popular, allows RyanAir to charge reasonable fees and provides a little excitement into an otherwise dull travel experience.


'So the consultant suggested keeping the Manchester City terminus and locating the London stop at Salford, with a bus connection to Euston. Or catch one of the many trains already running from Manchester via Salford to London, which would actually be quicker. Saved about £38 billion on the journey, opening up an opportunity for Truss and Kwarting to come back and finish what they started,' he said.


image from pixabay



2150 CE. Archaeologists discover remains of HS2 line


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Work on the new Maglev line has been stopped two miles from the edge of the Brum Megopolis after workers discovered rails that may have been buried over one hundred years ago. Experts believe these may be the remains of the now long forgotten HS2 project.


Spokesperson, Ivor Trowel, told reporters 'we are confident in our findings. This is the classic vanity project that collapsed in on itself; much the same as the Egyptian Pyramids, the Trump Library of Culture, and the Rwandan Relocation Project.


'Myth has it that high priests thought that they would save several minutes on a line dedicated to taking the dead to the darklands of the Northern Desert. In fact they wasted whole years and ended up precisely nowhere.

'Ee, civilisations eh? Ya cuddent mek it up'.


Man sweeping up leaves not wasting his time


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With another major winter storm blowing across the country, a man has been busy sweeping up leaves, despite claims he’s ‘Sisyphean’ and ‘an idiot’. Derek Drummond said ‘The answer isn't blowing in the wind, it's leaves. What if some of them blow on to a railway line? That will mean HS2 goes another £10 billion over budget and is only able to serve Tory constituencies. I’d say about 52% of the leaves in my garden have left, with 48% remaining. The leaver leaves have made a mess all over the floor, so I’m helping the environment by sweeping these biodegradable leaves into a single use plastic bag.’ On hearing that there’s a lot of blow, Michael Gove was seen to noticeably perk up. Acquaintances say the prospect of snow drifts had him 'dancing like a Tory Bez'.


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/




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