Markets soar as Trump not doing stupid thing yet

The FTSE, Nikkei and Hang Seng indices all soared yesterday on the news that Donald Trump has temporarily paused his plan to implement tariffs on imports to America.

“It’s like the first day of Spring combined with meeting the love of your life and winning the lottery, all on the same day,” said market analyst Jeremy Wonk. “Imagine, it might be as much as three months before Trump drives the world economy off a cliff and we all end up living in mud huts, subsisting on nuts and berries.

“If Wordsworth were alive today, he’d say t'was bliss in this dawn to be alive, but to be a commodities broker was very heaven.

“Of course, it would be nice if we had some actual good news to celebrate, rather than just bad news being put off for a while, but frankly we’ll take what we can get. I suppose there’s the fact that he’ll be gone in 2028, but somehow I believe that less every time I say it.”

Ringo Starr to be played by “random guy off the street”

Director Sam Mendes announced today that in his forthcoming series of four films about the Beatles, whereas John, Paul and George will be played by real actors, drummer Ringo Starr will be played by some random guy who happens to be walking past the studio on the day they start filming.

“I think that’s a fair reflection of the Fab Four,” Mendes told reporters today. “John and Paul the songwriting geniuses, the real heart and soul of the band. George… well, he had a nice voice, and all that weird Indian shit in the early 70s was down to him. After all, what would Sergeant Pepper be without… whatever that weird trippy song’s called?

“But let’s be honest - as with any successful band, the drummer’s just lucky to be there. I mean, what’s the job description - must be able to hit things with sticks. So basically any hominid from Australopithecus onwards.

“So for added veracity, we’re going to cast the role exactly that way.”

The process led to the casting of Colin Sawdust, an accountant nipping out to Greggs on his lunchbreak when he was spotted by the third assistant director.

Sawdust described himself as “very excited by this opportunity”, saying he always knew there was more to him than accountancy, though to be honest he’d imagined it might be banking or insurance.

Unfortunately his mate Darren, who was going to come with him to Greggs but then changed his mind, is already boring people with the story about how it should have been him and he’s basically “the fifth Beatle (actor)”.

Image: Pixabay/willgard

Drummers hit by US ban

Forget tariffs, DEI and woke libtards,' said a US government spokesman, 'we're going after lazy musicians now.'  The United States is famous for raising musicians in all musical fields but someone in the White House has realised that drummers are 'lazy, good for nothing, idle drum beaters' based on the observation that most drummers are sat down throughout every concert.  'Singers, gee-tar players, those that play that long gee-tar with missing strings, they all spend the whole concert standing up like real Americans.  Doggone drummers are just woke,' said the spokesman.

He confirmed that the order to target drummers had been signed by an elderly gentleman who appears to spend his days sitting down signing things.  'He's next,' confirmed the spokesman.

Image: Pixabay/jackmac34