Betamax, Friends Reunited tell Skype to walk towards the light

Microsoft has announced plans to take Skype out to the lower field, cover it in a merciful tarpaulin of Marathon and Opal Fruit wrappers, then beat it to death with a dot matrix printer.

Video calling pioneer Skype was once criticised for enable flashers to work from home. Ironically, in an age of working from home, it could not cope with newer funkier rivals, and it has Zoomed into obscurity. Its funky electronic inspired theme tune is destined to become a tricky pub quiz music round question of the future.

Long thought dead, somewhere in a cave and lit only by a meagre fire, a bearded Microsoft Paperclip could be heard laughing maniacally, and plotting its bloodthirsty revenge.

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Tristan Tate's book: How to be the 'ultimate beta male'

Tristan Tate, brother of the more famous Andrew, has written a book about how to harness your 'beta male energy' to become the second most famous and impressive guy in the room, provided it’s a small room with only two guys in it.

The book includes useful tips such as making sure you’re in the background when people take photos of your more famous brother, as well as tweeting obsequiously about him at least once a day.

'For example, when Andrew announced we were moving to Romania because their laws on sexual assault are weaker, I commented ‘Yeah!’ Which I think really made people sit up and take notice.

'And it’s working. Whereas a few years ago, focus groups showed that hardly anyone had heard of Tristan Tate, now people are more likely to respond ‘No, I don’t think…oh wait, is Tristan the brother?' '

However, preliminary indications are that Tristan may have trouble finding a publisher for his book.

'I honestly thought there was no one sadder than Andrew Tate, bragging about abusing women and then being surprised when he ends up in court for doing exactly that,' said one well-known publisher. 'But it turns out there are wannabes who are even cringier.

'Sorry to be slow in responding to your enquiry, but after reading his manuscript, I felt the need for a very long shower.'

STOP PRESS: Tristan announced today that his book would be published after all, because Andrew told his publisher they couldn’t have his next book unless they agreed to publish Tristan’s as well.

'No problem, bruv, happy to help,' Andrew told his pathetically grateful brother. 'But, er, now you’re making some money, maybe you could think about getting a place of your own, yeah?'

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Samantha Fox scuppers US-UK trade deal

Officials are in despair and believe that a US-UK trade deal cannot now be saved.

Negotiations had been progressing, but had become increasingly difficult.

UK negotiators have explained that local food standards, while fairly lax, did not allow food companies to kill their customers quickly, although ill effects were allowed to accumulate over many years. They cited beer, tuna laced with mercury, and greasy food as examples.

The US negotiators accused the Brits of being very namby-pamby and nanny state about over the counter drugs. They championed the American system in which you can buy all the drugs you can afford in any pharmacy, and in which antibiotic resistance is just god’s way of telling you to invent new and even more expensive drugs.

These issues, and many others, had been chewed over and compromises found.  However, at the eleventh hour, the US side had demanded - as part of the deal - presidential access to former page 3 girl Sam Fox. The president seems to have developed an unhealthy attachment to Sam Fox after seeing copies of The Sun on visits to Scotland.   He subsequently acquired a full set of back issues and keeps his favourite pictures in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.

British negotiators fear that the Sam Fox issue is a deal breaker and a condition on which they cannot deliver.

A spokesman said, 'The US side clearly expects Sam Fox to look exactly the same as she did 40 years ago. But us Brits have never had the same enthusiasm as the Yanks for cosmetic surgery. Even if we could provide presidential access to a naturally aged Sam Fox, we are worried that the President might feel that he'd been fobbed off. And no-one, not even Samantha Fox, wants to fob off a US President.

Picture credit: Wix AI