Overnight Oats "were just poncey porridge" laments Leicester man

When wife Jill announced she felt they ought to spice up their marriage by introducing "Overnight Oats", husband Brian Chibson, from Leicester, was delighted.

'We'd reached that stage in our relationship were things had quietened down, if you follow me, and I was delighted with Jill's suggestion,' Brian commented. 'What a disappointment, though, when she suggested an early night. She just spent half an hour reading a Richard Osman, before nodding off.

'To make things worse, when she announced the next morning in the kitchen it was finally time for the oats I perked up thinking... oh well... better late than never. But all she did was get two bowls weirdo berries with gloopy, soggy porridge sloshing about the bottom out of the fridge, before announcing with a flourish, "Overnight Oats!"

Talk about a massive disappointment. I just tipped mine in the bin and got the frying pan out. I mean, it was Saturday, so I don't know what on earth Jill was thinking anyway.' 

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Greggs Reveal Shop Opening Algorithm is Just Map and Dart

With arch-rival Gail's Bakery revealing their expansion strategy is controlled by artificial intelligence, with an advanced algorithm choosing new locations based on a variety of parameters; high street stalwart Greggs admits a more simple technique for selecting where to place new shops: a map and bucket of darts.

"We looked at algorithms," said head of growth Lyndsay Biscuits, "trying to factor things like the location of other eateries, footfall, proximity to public transport hubs, and that kind of thing. It all got much easier when we just decided that anywhere was good and we could sort it with a chuck from the oche. It's only backfired twice: once when Luke Littler was here on his work experience and put a tight group together, which is why we've got those two branches within ten yards of each other in South Shields; then again when a bent flight meant we applied for planning permission in the middle of the Severn Bridge."

The popular high street chain then revealed that more of their business thinking is driven by elements of chance, with innovation manager Margarita Square explaining how the firm creates new products. "It used to be time consuming," she said, "focus groups, market research, trials, refinement, it just went on and on. All we have to do now is make a vegan version of something we already sell, stick it on the shelves and wait for GB News and Piers Morgan to lose their rag and give us hours of free advertising."

Image: Pixabay/echapman