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Film producer Sidney Loot admitted today that he regretted choosing someone with no experience or qualifications to fix the leak in his toilet.



“Sure, there are plumbers who’ve actually learned how to do the job, and done it reliably for years,” Loot told journalists today. “And I suppose I could have gone with one of them.



”But then I thought, why not pick someone based on who their parents are and the size of their social media following? It’s what I do at work, after all.”



Young, raffishly handsome Toby Nepo declared himself very grateful for the opportunity and promised Loot he wouldn’t regret his decision, whilst privately admitting to friends he didn’t have the first clue about fixing toilets.



Loot’s PA was in the middle of drafting a press release about how Nepo’s famous parents only meant he had to work twice as hard to prove himself, when she noticed the office was now ankle deep in watery shit.



Nepo’s millions of followers on TikTok were then treated to a 15 second clip of him desperately trying to stem the flow, accompanied by the text “Awkward!” and the “facepalm” and “crying with laughter” emojis.



For his part, Loot said he had learned his lesson and would go back to his usual practice of hiring models-turned-plumbers entirely for their looks.



A tribute act known widely throughout Luton and Dunstable as the Spice Grills, put their success down to not splitting up after seven years.



'I'm not gonna give up the trappings of being fingered in the box up the Old Kennilworth Theatre by BoyzOwn and Vestlife,' confirmed 53-year-old Baby Spice. 'Whichever one is which.'



'Girl cough Power,' spluttered Mousy Spice.



'Here, chuck us another Superking Slim and a McEwan's Export,' piped up Dead Posh for the first time in four years.



'Hey, d'ya remember that time I pinched the Prince of Wales's bum?' asked Hairy Spice, unsure of what she came into the room for.



'Yeah, Hairy,' groaned the others, almost in harmony.



'Hang on, it wasn't the Prince of Wales, it was Felton John,' said Baby, still in the corner.



'No it weren't, it were his brother, you know, the Gary Glitter fella,' corrected Mousy. 'But we can't say his tribute act name for legal reasons.'



Sports Injury Spice remained silent throughout, due to a throat injury caused during a game of crown green bowls.


(Article courtesy of Smashits, the leading tribute act music magazine.)



In a surprising development, staunch Republican voters have turned against the vice president, JD Vance.


‘We thought he was a solid good ole boy,’ said one ageing Republican voter, who was sporting a MAGA cap and gold trainers. ‘He loves guns, hates immigrants, loves the church and hates unplanned pregnancies.  An all American guy.   But we can't believe he left the U S of A to go abroad, where all the foreigners are, and we can't forgive him for that.  That's a rookie error – a mistake like Dan Quayle would've made.


‘There ain't no reason to go to foreign places, even if you're just going to be rude to dirty foreign politicians.  Hell, we invented Zoom so we could flip off Johnny Foreigner without leaving home.


'We’ll allow the trip to Greenland, as it’s practically the 51st state already.  And we’d allow a trip to Gaza, as it’s right in line to be the 52nd state.   But that’s the limit.


 'If JD thinks he can make America great again by leaving it, then he can stay abroad until he’s come to his senses.’


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