I, Trumpnik

Extracts from radio broadcasts of the Russian fishing fleet, have revealed a russian plot as terrifying as a evening with Gino Dicampo.

President Donald John Trump has been replaced by an doppelganger.

"The Don" was kidnapped,seduced by a leggy, superficial blonde dressed as a golf bag.

Following said blonde, Trump was lured into the bushes,on the 15th hole of Gleneagles before being clubbed over the head with a 3 Wood.

He was then replaced by "TRUMPNIK" A robot imposter direct from the Kremlin, controlled by the Vladimir Putins well disguised nipple rings.

The Russians or Soviets, (depending on how cartoonish you like to imagine them being) are delighted with TRUMPNIK and plan to continue using him to isolate, irrate and possibly iradiate, America's former allies and friends.

Whether it's bullying Greenland or Canada, treating Palestinians like American Indians, trusting Elon Musk or negotiating the end of a war without checking with the people fighting it TRUMPNIK continues to surprise.

The real Trump meanwhile finds himself in a red room with zigzag floors while a dwarf says that gum he likes is going to come back in style.

Image: Pixabay/Ajale

Boss offers no credible explanation for wanting to ‘lock in’ a meeting time with you

Your boss who has indicated that he wants to lock in a meeting time with you, has no previous experience as a pub landlord, prison warden, safe manufacturer or any other occupation that might explain the use of the term, it has been confirmed.

Peter Jones, made the request for 15 minutes of your time for a 'quick catch up'. Yet your vague response of ‘I’m free later on Tuesday and have a bit of space Thursday’, has quickly escalated on his part into a tactical battle for a midweek meeting slot, and the unnecessary use of imagery which suggest that you are meeting to confirm and activate nuclear weapon codes and passwords.

Having enquired with colleagues you haven’t been able to find any evidence that he was a locksmith, although many did note their desire to lock him into a suitable storage cupboard on the fourth floor of your office block.

After the meeting with you has indeed now been locked in for 330pm on Wednesday, Jones has also confirmed that for an agenda, ‘everything is in play’, despite having no experience as an American football referee or sports betting odds-setter.

Image: Pixabay/Aymanejed

The Chancellor's statement on the economy

In order to calm the turmoil on international capital markets, the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has today issued the following statement to restore calm:

‘I have a plan for growth.  I am not loath to deliver growth.  Zero growth is both no growth and no good.  I will deliver non-zero growth – you have my oath.

'There must be no digression, depression or recession, or a procession and progression of recession.   I will fight recession with aggression, self-possession, the legal profession, and a positive facial expression.

'Austerity is a barbarity, but with dexterity I say, with verity and sincerity, it can become a rarity and be consigned to posterity.

'There are black books, with a black hole and red ink. There is a red wall and green crap and a yellow peril.  But I have a golden rule and the white heat of technology, and I dream in colour. 14 years of Tory mismanagement left us in the shade and off colour.  But soon we will be in the pink.

'The Tories bashed, lashed, mashed, smashed, thrashed and crashed the economy.  The creation of inflation shocked the nation.  No elation, no sensation.   An inflation castration.  An economic sedation. Prices rising for your vacation and your hydration and at the gas station – all causing starvation.

'So, in conclusion: taxes are going up. 

'Big time. 

'Soz.'

Image: Pixabay/clkr-free-vector-images