Priest strike to delay processing of forgiveness of sins

Threatened industrial action by some 400,000 catholic priests worldwide is set to begin this Sunday, on the feast of the holy labourer. Guilt ridden catholic nations, set to endure the worst effects of the strikes, are bracing themselves for public waves of entrenched doubt and regret.

The strike action has been called by priests angry at the papacy's ban on clergy taking work as freelance spiritualists. Priests subsidise their modest incomes moonlighting as jack-of-all religions in cult ridden minority communities, officiating at voodoo wedding ceremonies, and performing mass online tarot readings. Elsewhere, in godless modern Britain, they serve part time as totems of the standin religions, appearing as mascots at Championship level English football sides or judges on Strictly.

Now Rome has had enough. 'Haec nos pigra c*nts satis,' said a prelate in the Vatican, insisting priest pay rates suffice. Papish stubbornness, it seems, will not ease church discord, however. 'I shall be picketing the cathedral this Sunday,' warned an angry priest. 'I see it as an article of faith, indeed a divine obligation -should there be any- to clump any scabs.'

Police, fearful of a minority of violent clergy, have threatened to arrest those who tweet about Southport. Meanwhile to find similar examples of industrial action, you must search back to the Church of England strikes during the early Thatcher years. At the time, no one noticed.

Image: Pixabay/aszak

Emerging young actor not related to any famous old actors

Journalists writing about the much-hyped new Channel 4 series “Devington Hall” have made the remarkable discovery that its breakout star, Sebastian Cutlery-Drawer, isn’t related to any famous actors.

”I was writing the standard puff piece about him, as his agent requested,” said Glenda Sludge of the Independent. “I was about to write that being the son of whoever only meant he had to work even harder to prove he was there on merit, when I realised I couldn’t remember whose son he was. 

“So I googled him, and I couldn’t believe it - it turns out his dad’s a solicitor and his mum’s an accountant. I mean, WTF?”

The producer of the show denied they were going out on a limb by casting a young actor with no show business family connections.

“You do realise, all the actors whose kids are now entering the profession were themselves cast just because they were good actors? Believe it or not, that used to be the norm. It’s only in recent years we’ve started treating showbiz families like some kind of gold mine, to be exploited to exhaustion before we even consider looking elsewhere.

“Besides, Channel 4 only gave us permission to do it on condition that Jeremy Irons’ son, Anthony Minghella’s son, Jude Law’s son, David Tennant’s son, Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman’s daughter, Peter Hall’s daughter, Tilda Swinton’s daughter, Imelda Staunton’s daughter, Phil Collins’ daughter, Lenny Kravitz’s daughter, Andie McDowell’s daughter and Johnny Depp’s daughter would all make an appearance before the end of the first series. And maybe a Beckham or two, if they fancy giving acting a go?”

Image: Pixabay/ADMC

Zelenskyy and Putin to find Totty for Trump

Fears are growing amongst friends and family of America’s First Lady Melania Trump ,nee Knauss,that the president intends filing for divorce and is actively seeking a fourth wife.

Rumours yet to be confirmed or denied by White House staffers are saying Trump is insisting that a new Ukrainian or Russian wife for him must be part of any American solution for peace in Ukraine.

His three stipulations are as usual, she must be young, pretty and have a lower command of English then he has.

Despite sacking Melania’s English teacher early in their marriage ,Trump has become more and more aware that his wife’s vocabulary far exceeds his own and that on the few occasions he allows her to speak in public, he and his MAGA followers struggle to understand her.

Trump’s second wife Marla Maples, after his failed marriage to Ivana Zeinickova, was in fact American. An actress and TV presenter. She later described being married to Trump as like living with a Twelve year old with a speech impediment and likened him to an excitable Red Setter,constantly looking for praise and attention. She wrote, if I told him he was a good boy he would jump on his bed, playing with his Golf balls and trying to lick his own nuts.

According to FBI files, Trump is no stranger to mail order brides and that he is in fact, Donny (,could have been a professional golfer) ,from Florida ,that has been banned from numerous Thai Mail order sites. With his IP address traced to the Mar-a-Lago area, Trump is alleged to have inundated hundreds of Thai women with unsolicited Dick Pics and a promise of the Best Marriage, the best marriage in history.

With his recent criminal convictions ,accusations of rape, sexual assault and flings with Porn stars, Trump is not worried about any adverse public reaction should he dump Melania and bring in an immigrant, as Trump has said many times, my supporters make up excuses for me.

Image: Pixabay/TheDigitalArtist