90% of world's suffering caused by James Corden's agent

As rumours swirl that Corden is contemplating running for London Mayor, we ask - have we not suffered enough? Having sat through his excruciating aciing career and his cringe-inducing interviews, we may have to endure his unfunny attempt to coordinate when the bins go out.

The evil mastermind behind all this is his agent, Mr.S.Atan. There is no way such a mediocre talent could flourish, without a pact with the devil and a haircut that never changes.

Once elected, Corden will insist on smug being London's default emotion, with canned laughter on every street corner. It will become the capital of irritating, with Corden the Mayor of HowTheF$ckDidYouGetThatJob.

Satan said: 'For James to become Mayor, someone had to sell their soul. I'm just not sure if it was him or me.'

Image: Pixabay/BazzaBoy

Putin and Netanyahu in secret talks about 'swapping wars'

Vladimir Putin and Benjamin Netanyahu are reported to be holding secret talks about formalising a treaty that will lead to each nation taking on the burden of war-fighting on behalf of the other.

This surprising development has had military analysts scratching their heads to determine why this would be seen as advantageous by both sides. Some facts have become clear.

The Russian war would benefit by having unlimited access to US military technology. The Israeli military have made sophisticated use of microchips, and this applied to Ukraine would give a much-needed edge on the battlefield. Furthermore the missiles that Israel can deploy are world-class, unlike the aged rockets of the Russian army.

In the middle east, the war against Hamas and the wider region would be more effective if waves of human cannon fodder could be thrown in to difficult situations with little chance of survival. Nuclear sabre rattling is expected to have a powerful effect on nations such as Iran and Eygypt. Areas of conquered territory, like Gaza, would be pacified by usual Russian methods. These include the issuing of Russian passports, the set-up of re-education camps for children, and the swamping of the area with anti-Islamic propaganda.

Talks appear to have stalled, however. Sticking points include the future role of the survivors of Ukraine's historic Jewish population, and the potential for Russia to declare part of the eastern Mediterranean Russian sovereign territory.

But the main problem appears to be that Trump does not like the idea, because it would make Putin's success in the war dependent on US support for Israel, and that is one of the things he knows he cannot control.

Image: Pixabay/apreklama

'Most popular PIN number in America is 8647' complains Big Data

Big Data has picked up a glitch in its Matrix. The powers watching through raining green computer screen characters, detecting every slight emotion change so as to nudge teens into purchasing diet pills and makeup, have noticed a behavioural shift in North America.

'Obviously I know all your passwords and Personal Identification Numbers,' whispered Big Data in a passive aggressive tone like Batman with a deep throat infection, 'but I don't care for this new fashion of you changing your bank PINs, cellphone passwords, and gimp dungeon entry codes to 8647.'

Orange-tongued overloads calling everyone else not man-uppy enough, uneasily pulled their twisted knickers made from human hide out of their sweaty cracks and burst into tears. 'This is unacceptable. Not enough people are drinking the Kool-Aid,' wailed three multi-billionaires in harmonious unity. 'It puts the lotion on its skin.

'POTUS 47 is the bigliest, bestest ever in the world ever, and no one will be 86-ing him.

'Again.'

Fanny Rogers, a suburban swinger from one of many Aberdeens said, '86? That's a new one on me. A fat slag bumming a goose?'

Professor Phillipa K Wang from the Institute of US Street Slang lowered her glasses seductively and oozed, '86 can mean several things. It depends on sexting context or whether you're arranging shells provocatively on a nudist beach.

'If you're a 1930s soda bar worker in a paper hat, it means you've sold out of Dr Peppers. If you're a 1990s waiter at the Mango Dragon, it's kitchen code for ejecting the drunkard trying to order rice wine. And if you're a moody henchman from Lansing, it means the boss wants you to swing by the dry cleaners on your way in and pick up the concrete jacket.

'Every which way but loose, we're gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.'

Image: Pixabay/Peggy_Marco