Clown services to be cut

The Government is planning a radical overhaul of Clown Services with Juggling, Glittering and Honking all severely affected.

‘To be honest, I don’t know why we even have a Ministry of Clowning’, a spokesman told us. ‘It’s 2025 – can’t people make their own cars fall apart?’

Clowning is one of the last vestiges of the welfare state. Clown Services were famously ignored by the Thatcher cuts. She always defended the clowns in gratitude for their assistance during the Miners’ Strike, when they could be seen wading into crowds of angry miners with their big shoes flapping. Derek Matthews suffered ‘glitter eye’ at Orgreave in 1984; he remains bitter about the encounter to this day.

‘Those bastards showed us no mercy. Bucket after bucket of glitter. My mate’s deaf in one ear after all the honkings they subjected him to. I don’t even know why they were there – nearest circus were miles away, they just kept bussing them in. Well they had to, all their cars disintegrated near Barnsley’.

Most people remember the Clown Riots of 1991/2 when rampaging clowns rearranged place settings at weddings and stole some fruit. It was never returned. It’s probably poo by now. Does Britain face another Summer of Clown Discontent? We asked a police spokesman but he was eating a doughnut and we couldn’t make out what he was saying. Hate it when that happens.

Without government funding it’s feared that we might see large numbers of homeless clowns on our streets where they fall easy prey to morris dancers and slightly disorganised crime. One thing is certain: if Margaret Thatcher were alive today she’d be scratching furiously at the coffin lid.

Image: Pixabay/ jackmac34

Migrants to sue Daily Mail over ‘misleading’ claims

Ahmed (26) came to Britain on a small boat, tempted by promises of “luxury accommodation, mobile phones and money raining from the sky”. ‘We’re all avid readers of the Daily Mail’, he told reporters. ‘Peter Hitchens and Sarah Vine are my favourite writers. Such humanity. The headline which prompted me to risk my life was “Starmer to tuck all migrants up in bed”. I didn’t have a great relationship with my father and the idea of a country where the Prime Minister travels around tucking up migrants just seemed like paradise. I also fancied living in a place with more than three male forenames – it’s really confusing in a Muslim country. I’m not even the only Ahmed in my sibling group’.

Lawyers for the migrants point out that most would not have attempted the hazardous crossing without the strong incentives provided by the Mail. Their arguments have been countered by the Mail’s lawyers, who noted that the newspaper’s mission is ‘to paint a dystopian picture of modern Britain in the hope that we can one day return to mid-June 1951, when everything was perfect’.

'You can see how the confusion occurred', a lawyer told us. 'Fortunately, there's no law against lying'.

The case is scheduled to start as soon as enough taxpayers’ money has been handed to lefty lawyers.

Image: Pixabay/kalhh

Transport for London thrilled that people no longer bother to complain

Transport for London was pleased to announce today that the number of complaints about public transport in London has fallen to a record low.

“Of course, we’re not fooling ourselves people are happy with the service,” laughed spokesman Damien Sludge. “We know perfectly well how many trains we cancelled because of a slight breeze, because it was cloudy, because there was an R in the month or because the moon was in the third house of Jupiter.

”No, we’re well aware using public transport in London is like something out of Dante. That’s why we all work from home. I can’t even remember where our office is.

”But it’s been a long term strategic priority of ours to beat down commuters to the point where they don’t expect anything to work, and know complaining won’t make any difference, as outlined in policy document Turning Misery to Hopelessness (2018). It’s why our official email for complaints is asifwegiveaf**k@tfl.gov.uk.

“Though amazingly some people do still bother to email us, so we’ve had to set up an autoresponder saying ‘Moan moan moan - you realise this is why no one likes you?’”

Image: Pixabay/daviniakay