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The government is planning help for MPs who lose their lucrative jobs to make the transition into normal life.
The scheme is being heralded as making being an MP more attractive but is a widely seen as a thinly veiled admission that a lot of Tories, particularly in the north, will soon be adding to the unemployable stats.
Consultants are being employed to teach ex MPs skills such shouting, “Big Issue” or simply standing behind a counter and asking “Do you want fries with that?”
The scheme will not be available to MPs who step down. They will been deemed to have made themselves redundant and as such they will not be eligible for benefits, but will be given the services of a ghost writer to knock out a few trashy novels.
A similar scheme was being developed for ex PMs and Cabinet Ministers but was scrapped when it became obvious that the numbers were simply too high.
The WHO has warned that an outbreak of 'Farage' could hearld a return to masks - if only to cover up his gurning face. Carried by mosquitos and British Airways, Farage is said to twice as deadly as the flu and three times as moronic as Lawrence Fox.
The disease can be spread through liquids but only craft ale. An airborne mutation has been heard on GB News and Farage can be carried through the blood, but only if you believe in racial purity.
The NHS is bracing itself for a Winter outbreak of xenophobia and losing all its foreign nurses. A doctor said: 'Be on the lookout for symptoms. Vomiting is not uncommon should you meet Farage. And the symptoms are just as bad.'
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