A kangaroo anus with a keen sense of integrity and a moral compass has refused to have anything to do with Matt Hancock. 'I've got dignity, you know,' said the anus.
'That man is absolutely disgusting and I won't go anywhere near him. He makes me sick, even though he isn't in charge of the health service any more. And I feel such overwhelming shame that I've been connected with him in any way.
'Most of all, I feel sorry for his poor wife. She's had to put up with even more sh*t than me.'
In unrelated news, a lucrative kangaroo anuses contract has been awarded to Matt Hancock's pub landlord.