'The World Cup is brilliant,' says Donald Trump, 'even though soccer is not a proper sport. We love it even so. American Football is obviously better, just because it is so much better. You can use your hands, for a start. And it has billionaires, proper helmets and proper all-American sporting heroes.
'It is a tragedy that no other countries play American Football. Maybe I'll lift tariffs on countries that start up American Football leagues. I bet that the Heard and McDonald Islands could put together a decent team, if they put their minds to it. If you don't have any sport now, then the best sport to start would be an American sport, not some lame playground game invented by the Limeys.
'The World Cup games played in America will be completely excellent,' says the President, 'the bestest and most wonderful. The games played in Canada and Mexico will be rubbish, and not worth watching. America knows how to do sporting events – girls, fireworks, gambling, pizzazz, sponsors, ad breaks, majorettes, half-time shows...and me! What a great combination – soccer and me. What could be better? Remember, I won't be going to Canada or Mexico for any of those games. Waste of time. Losers.
'Sure, the ticket prices for World Cup games are high, but that's democracy - anyone can get a ticket if they have the money. And you're getting the best soccer experience in the World. There's no substitute for a trip to the US, some World Cup soccer, an encounter with ICE, and hands-on experience of the US Justice system. And getting deported, if you have enough crypto to pay the exit fees. You won't get any of that in Canada or Mexico. Wimpy countries.
So, why not treat yourself to a pair of Trump World Cup golden soccer boots? Come visit the US. Watch great soccer - stuff you won't see on the BBC until they pay me the ten billion dollars that they owe me. Forget your diet and enjoy proper American food – like churros, pizza, tacos and gumbo – all served in proper American quantities. Enjoy our famous top quality chips (that means crisps, Limeys) and our most excellent top quality beers, like (sotto voce: have Budweiser donated yet? Yes? Good.) Budweiser. And you'll find out how a proper democracy works.
I'm backing the US team to win the World Cup. All the team members are very highly motivated, because I've explained what will happen if they don't win.
So come to the USA to watch us win the soccer World Cup. Remember - tickets, money, passports, bail bond. And remember to take home some souvenirs of your visit. How about some Bitcoin, or a $250 dollar bill with my face on it?
Image: WixAI
The tournament will be the first ever to feature 48 teams for the simple reason of extorting money from fans. It will be a very simple set up involving less than 1,000 games, starting with 12 groups of four. The top two teams in each group, plus the seven of best third-placed teams and the USA, will advance to the round of 32.
Iran have qualified for the 'extra bombing' round.
10 weeks later, after the 72 group stage matches are over we go to the knockout stage! It is only one match per day due to all the adverts. If any of the host teams lose in the first knock out stage then they will be given a 'mulligan' and automatically progress, as is tradition.
If a host team is knocked out during the second knock out stage, they will be eligible for Trumps Bonus 'Fight Fight Fight Again!' pass and replace a shithole country that didn’t deserve to even be there.
Due to long established FIFA rules, the winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, whoever that may be, can decide who progresses if a host nation loses by only one goal.
Instead of penalties the three host leaders will vote for the 'best' team to progress. As the USA is hosting the most matches, their vote is worth 3 and Mexico and Canada just 1 each.
There will be a break in early September, so matches don’t clash with the US Tennis open.
Any home team, apart from Mexico and Canada, has an 'Extra Life' which allows a rematch. During the tournament, passions will run high and therefore the Board of Peace will oversee the refereeing and all VAR decisions to ensure absolute FIFA quality fairness. If a team is doing particularly well, then they will be randomly chosen to be investigated by ICE, who will deport any top scorers.
The final will obviously have a guest referee, this year it could be Steve Witkoff, Jared Kushner or Kid Rock!
The prolonged format may mean the expected USA vs Qatar final being held at the end of October. Coincidentally just before the US Midterm elections. Which is just a lovely coincidence. How delightful.
President Trump is already looking after the trophy so that should keep the awards ceremony simple. Let’s play ball!
Image: Wix AI