Trump Presidency to get weekly recaps

‘Followers of American politics have complained that they can’t follow the plot’, a White House spokesman told us. ‘If this was a Netflix drama there would be one major incident per week and they’d still offer a recap. President Trump’s achievements are so many and so wondrous that the American people can’t keep track’.

Trump’s achievements since January include stealing 65 billion barrels of Venezuelan oil, losing a war with Iran, turning the Reflecting Pool into an algae conservation area, having ICE murder a couple of US citizens, cheating at golf (multiple times), shitting his pants (multiple times), falling asleep on camera (multiple times) and threatening to invade – well, everybody.

The only topic which won’t be included in the recap is the Epstein Files. ‘Look, President Trump has already released 5% of the Epstein Files’, the spokesman said. ‘What more do you people want? Jeez, if an old man can’t have a little fun once in a while – what’s the world coming to?’

Image: File:Donald Trump mugshot.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Trump: This is the greatest World Cup ever!

Trump hails the World Cup

'The World Cup is brilliant,' says Donald Trump, 'even though soccer is not a proper sport. We love it even so. American Football is obviously better, just because it is so much better. You can use your hands, for a start. And it has billionaires, proper helmets and proper all-American sporting heroes.

'It is a tragedy that no other countries play American Football. Maybe I'll lift tariffs on countries that start up American Football leagues. I bet that the Heard and McDonald Islands could put together a decent team, if they put their minds to it. If you don't have any sport now, then the best sport to start would be an American sport, not some lame playground game invented by the Limeys.

'The World Cup games played in America will be completely excellent,' says the President, 'the bestest and most wonderful. The games played in Canada and Mexico will be rubbish, and not worth watching. America knows how to do sporting events – girls, fireworks, gambling, pizzazz, sponsors, ad breaks, majorettes, half-time shows...and me! What a great combination – soccer and me. What could be better? Remember, I won't be going to Canada or Mexico for any of those games. Waste of time. Losers.

'Sure, the ticket prices for World Cup games are high, but that's democracy - anyone can get a ticket if they have the money. And you're getting the best soccer experience in the World. There's no substitute for a trip to the US, some World Cup soccer, an encounter with ICE, and hands-on experience of the US Justice system. And getting deported, if you have enough crypto to pay the exit fees. You won't get any of that in Canada or Mexico. Wimpy countries.

So, why not treat yourself to a pair of Trump World Cup golden soccer boots? Come visit the US. Watch great soccer - stuff you won't see on the BBC until they pay me the ten billion dollars that they owe me. Forget your diet and enjoy proper American food – like churros, pizza, tacos and gumbo – all served in proper American quantities. Enjoy our famous top quality chips (that means crisps, Limeys) and our most excellent top quality beers, like (sotto voce: have Budweiser donated yet? Yes? Good.) Budweiser. And you'll find out how a proper democracy works.

I'm backing the US team to win the World Cup. All the team members are very highly motivated, because I've explained what will happen if they don't win.

So come to the USA to watch us win the soccer World Cup. Remember - tickets, money, passports, bail bond. And remember to take home some souvenirs of your visit. How about some Bitcoin, or a $250 dollar bill with my face on it?

Image: WixAI