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Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

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Now that Arron Banks has taken back control of our money, Elon Musk has taken back control of our laws, and Russia has taken back control of our borders, it is time for Britain to do the most important things it will ever do.


Becoming bored with flags, or flagging, Reform UK is pivoting to signs. As well as being swarmed by sea, someone in the Party has noticed that Britain is also being invaded through the air. The only way to prevent this is to change airport signs to say 'Our-rivals and Deportures".


These policies will come into effect from next Tuesday, despite Reform not being in government and only having a Jacuzzi-full of MPs.


Oh, and all litter bins everywhere across the land will have plaques on them saying 'Keep Britain Tiny'.


Reform communications officer, the BBC, said, 'We don't know why we are doing this. Everyone knows Reform voters can't spell.'


Image: WixAI

Personal trainer ‘just a bloke’

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James Moorhouse, chartered accountant, has come to the realisation that his Personal Trainer is just a man, rather like himself.


‘I’ve been going twice a week now for three years’, said Mr Moorhouse. ‘Everybody round here has a PT. He gets me lifting weights, running, doing a swishy thing with big ropes, stuff like that. Then I noticed a few people doing the very same exercises but without a PT. After last week’s session I sneaked back, while Guy – that’s my trainer – was busy telling an HR director to “do another five reps” and asked one of them how it works.


‘Apparently, you can just decide which exercises to do yourself! I know, it sounds . . . decadent. Wrong. I discussed it with my Cleaning Instructor – she supervises me while I clean my house, seventy quid very well spent – and she pulled a disapproving face, so maybe I should just stick with the PT.


‘It isn’t illegal, is it?’



I don't believe in climate modelling, says Lord Chill, and nobody can explain it


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Rising temperatures are 'likely to be beneficial' for Britain as more people die of cold than heat in this country, a Tory peer called Lord Chill has said.


Speaking during a debate on the level of Government preparation for the impacts that climate change will have on health, the economy, food security and the environment, the Tory peer said: 'We have all too little debate on climate change. After all nobody has ever explained it to me. At least, not so I understand it.'


'Will I have to change my name? Will it be a hot girl summer?'


'It’s all the more important that we have it now since critics who don't know what this policy is for, or have gotten the wrong end of the stick, find it increasingly difficult to get a hearing in the media.'


Lord Chill said: 'Digging deeper, what are those consequences of the hotter, warmer summers and warmer, wetter winters? I'm not very technical, but I have never heard a proper explanation of this problem. For example, how can financial predictions be so far off but climate is supposed to be predictable, as if its science or something, but what even is that anyway? I haven't looked into because I find that sort of thing hard. Nobody has ever been able to give me a simple explanation without boring me by talking for more than 30 seconds'


'Oooh, a shiny button!'




First published 26 Jul 2023


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