Trump's AI bot promises every American $5,000 - or more - if he wins

'The idea of giving every American adult $50,000 in cash if the Republicans win the mid-terms wasn't President Trump's idea, because it would never occur to such an honest guy to be that brazenly corrupt,' explained a White House-spokes app.

'Instead, it was put into his head by an AI app developed by the Trump Corporation, called MalignantNarcissistCompulsiveLiar. It's designed to produce the most crass and venal policy option that it can possibly dredge up from the cesspits of its artificial imagination.'

The spokes-gremlin then showed the app's answer to this question from Donald Trump: 'How can I keep control of Congress when everyone hates me?'

It replied: 'The best way of winning elections when everyone despises you and thinks you're a total liability is to offer voters a straight bribe of $500,000.'

The AI goblin continued, with bare-faced honesty: 'It doesn't matter if you don't explain where the money would come from. You've never been able to explain where your money comes from.

'Besides that, the election bribe story will keeps you on the front pages for another day, leaving your opponents to froth and rant about you in impotent fury.'

'And don't forget,' continued the White House spokes-cockroach, 'there are millions of folk out there who are so stupid, and so desperate for cash nowadays, that they now genuinely believe they're going get that $5,000,000.

'So why wouldn't President Trump offer an open election bribe?' it continued. 'Especially when it's not his money he'd be giving away.'

Image: WixAI

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Scientists invent semiidiotics to explain Trump's dumbness

Have you ever wondered why Donald Trump tries to get a peace deal with Iran by repeatedly bombing it? Or why he ever attacked Iran in the first place?

Political scientists have developed a new discipline called semiidiotics to try and account for every bungling mistake he's ever made - over tariffs, America's 250th anniversary celebrations, the east wing of the White House, and all the rest.

'The only problem with semiidiotics,' said Professor Hiram B. Pipesucker of the University of New Dworkin, 'is you have to be a halfwit to even start understanding the policies of this unbelievable oaf.

'We're now working on another system, called full-on-idiotics, to make Trump's behaviour completely comprehensible to total imbeciles. We're hoping they can then explain it to the rest of us.'

Image: WixAI

Britain’s greatest unsolved mystery: men who wear shorts in winter

Each winter, as the UK endures months of cold, damp misery, something extraordinary happens. While most of us wear scarves, jumpers and an air of quiet resentment, an increasingly common yet baffling creature emerges from the sleet: the British Man in Knee-Length Shorts. It's -2°C, it's frosty and somewhere, a car won't start. Yet there he is.

He strides through frostbitten streets, calves glowing bright pink, while the rest of us resemble bundled laundry. Sometimes the shorts are teamed with footwear that is even less winter-appropriate – a pair of flip flops. They slap against icy pavements like a metronome counting down to hypothermia. Toes go numb. Ankles turn blue. But still he persists, because changing shoes would mean admitting weakness.

At first you think it must be a mistake. Maybe he's taking the bins out, or he's been locked out. But no, he's walking with purpose. Sometimes to Tesco, or the pub. Occasionally, and most alarmingly, to work.

What truly unsettles observers, however, is not the shorts alone. It's the contradiction. For while his legs are boldly exposed to sub-zero winds, the upper half is dressed for an Antarctic expedition. A padded coat the size of a duvet, a woolly hat pulled down to the eyebrows, suggesting that he does understand the concept of cold - just not below the waist.

Asked if he's cold, Winter Shorts Man will reply, 'Nah, not really,' while visibly vibrating like a phone on silent. He may add, 'It's not that bad,' as a gritting lorry drives past, peppering his bare shins with rock salt. The shorts, we're told, are 'more comfortable,' which is British for 'I made a decision once and now it's my whole personality'.

Scientists have proposed several theories. One is that the legs of some British men are governed by a separate climate system. Another is that the shorts are not about temperature at all, but about identity - a quiet declaration of resilience and masculinity. As for the flip flops, no one knows - possibly a cry for help?

And so, the mystery endures. If these men truly 'don't feel the cold', why the coat? Why the hat? Why the frost-bitten ankles? Perhaps it is best not to ask.

We watch as he disappears into the freezing fog, his knees numb, his padded coat and shorts defying logic and basic trouser etiquette. The inexplicable sight of a man dressed for three seasons at once in winter has become a part of the British identity, like our love of tea, queueing and complaining about potholes.

Image: WixAI