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5 Modern Pentathlon events for the 21st century


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With the news that showjumping is to be removed as an event from the Modern Pentathlon, is it time for a total overhaul of the event to bring it up to date? Pierre de Courbotin designed the modern Pentathlon at the Olympics to represent all the skills needed by a soldier caught behind enemy lines. But what are the skills required of a modern day citizen to survive life in the 21st century? Here are Newsbiscuit's five suggested new events:


-Virgin Media cancellation call : the modern Pentathlon begins with athletes having to call up and try and cancel their current broadband and TV subscription package. With a 30 minute time limit, participants must navigate the automated response system, before beginning verbal combat with up to 15 members of the accounts team. Who can persuade a member of the call centre team that 'I want to cancel my package' doesn't mean that you would like to upgrade to the premium sports offering? Will you ever really know channels are in the 'Maxit' TV package?


-Social media Likeathon: next up is a multiple social media format event, in which you must collect 1000 likes, hearts or thumbs up emojis for statements that you make on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Will you go for some basic virtue signalling expressing your abhorrence at the lack of commitments by big business towards climate change, alongside a picture of your newly installed heatpump? Or will you just share a picture of some cute cats playing on a piano, to a soundtrack of Chopsticks?


-Ikea Saturday afternoon sprint/scrum: athletes are given a list of items that they must collect in order from any local Ikea store, between the hours of 2 and 5pm on a Saturday. Items may include some tea-lights, a shoe storage rack, some random food containers that you'll never use, and a massive rug that would look nice in the living room wouldn't it but I'm not sure it goes with the dark wood bookshelves what do you think, maybe we should leave it and look in CarpetRight? Penalty points are awarded for every person you bang into even if they really shouldn't be blocking the thoroughfare opening and closing that Pax wardrobe door incessantly. And no, you can't go in reverse back through the store, if you forget something, you're disqualified, everyone knows that.


-Dishwasher stack: athletes must fill a standard size dishwasher after the cooking and consumption of home made shepherds pie for 6 people. Widely seen as the ultimate test of stamina, spatial awareness, and basic cleaning skills, will you do a pre-clean of the Pyrex dish? Cutlery facing upwards or downwards? Does the chopping board go in? With a two hour time limit and points awarded for shine, smell, and that squeaky noise you can make pulling your index finger down a clean plate, will you opt for an eco-wash or a quick wash at the temperature of molten lava?


-Aldi Bag Pack: nearing exhaustion, athletes must face a gruelling 5 minute, 'big shop' pack at the budget supermarket. Here athletes have to try and place their produce in bags for life (one for fruit and veg, one for chilled, and one for frozen) without any spillages, crushes or logjams in the packing area, as the till assistant scans and fires them down towards you at the speed of light without ever looking you in the eye. Spectators are encouraged to tut and 'helpfully' point out that you should just move over to the separate packing area, that's what its for, you idiot.






First published 9 Nov 2021


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Shop fitting error traps 29 in Ikea


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An error by shop fitters trapped 29 people in an Ikea store in Belgium for four days. Work on the store upgrade began on a Saturday evening, shortly before the store closed for four days. 29 shoppers with their final purchases (plant of the week, tea candles, picture frames called Smeg, etc.) were unable to find the tills and eventually realised that they were walking round in circles behind the builders hoardings. The final security sweep, that checks for students trying to get locked in overnight, did not find the trapped shoppers.



The shoppers’ cries for help went unheard for four days, muffled by the soft furnishings. They slept on the display beds each night. By day, they amused themselves with sack races in blue shopping bags, and kept score with tiny pencils. They survived by eating copious amounts of lingonberry jam, and were forced to use the store’s bathroom department, despite the lack of working plumbing.



After four days, the trapped shoppers had fashioned an escape ladder and managed to attract the attention of a shop fitter scoffing meatballs. The emergency services treated many of the newly released victims for hand injuries resulting from the overuse of tiny Allen keys. One shopper had his stomach pumped to address a serious overdose of Swedish fruit.



A spokesman for the store chain apologised for the error and said that the 29 victims would obviously receive a generous 5% discount on their shopping and some complimentary Daim bars. They would also be memorialised forever by having a well-designed, highly-tested and cheap-to-produce furniture item named after each one of them.


Image: Photo by Adam Kolmacka on Unsplash



NHS bed shortage solved as Thérèse Coffey turns up outside IKEA in a Transit


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IKEA workers at the company's Dagenham branch who turned up this morning for their 73-hour shift, were surprised to find a beached whale blocking the entrance. On closer inspection it turned out to be the UK’s ninth health secretary in three weeks.


Climbing out of a battered white van Coffey attempted to explain, while waddling to the entrance, that it was all part of her proactively proactive plan for the NHS.


An interpreter for the blind drunk translated, ‘As she told the House yesterday, this is the B part of her plan, as in B for Bed. This of course supersedes her predecessors Plan A, Thérèse's predecessor's Plan E and his predecessor's plan C minus. She's proactively filling the van full of beds and taking them where they are needed.’


Asked if she was going for a bunk bed, divan or Ottoman, the interpreter replied that she didn’t mind as long as they were single, adding, 'She is a practising Catholic after all.’


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