One yer bike!

Owl and Pussycat mistaken for 'illegal migrants' by MP Rupert Lowe

Lowe posted a photograph of a beautiful pea-green boat, close to wind turbines, off the Norfolk coast at about 20:25 BST, and said he had alerted the authorities.

He wrote: 'Authorities alerted, and I am urgently chasing.

'If these are illegal migrants, I will be using every tool at my disposal to ensure these individuals are deported to the land where the Bong-Tree grows and to a wood a Piggy-wig stands with a ring at the end of his nose.'

'Enough is enough. Britain needs mass deportations. NOW.'

However, at 06:38 on Friday, he explained the 'unknown vessel' was a false alarm. He accepted it had been a mistake and the Owl and the Pussy-Cat were not immigrants. They did, in fact, have some honey, and plenty of money, wrapped up in a five-pound note. which they were planning to give to the Turkey who lives on the hill so that he would marry them the very next day.

In a later post, external, Lowe said: 'As a well done to the betrothed, I'll donate £1,000 in Greggs vouchers towards their reception.'

'Wait a minute - are they giving the money to Turkey? Hooray! I've found a way I can blame the Muslims! Form an angry mob at once!'

Image: WixAI

First figures detained under Weather House 'one in, one out' deal

A man with an umbrella has been detained in the UK's new 'one in, one out' deal with German weather houses. This has allowed a woman in a frilly skirt carrying a basket of flowers to emerge from the building.

The Met Office said those detained will be held under house arrest until the the weather changes again.

Home Secretary Yvette Cooper did not confirm how many men with umbrellas were being held, and said she was prepared to resist any legal challenges aimed at preventing their detention.

She said: 'It's the beginning of the pilot and we will turn our attention to cuckoo clocks, and those timepieces with figures like those on Trumpton, and Warmington -On-Sea Town Halls.'

Speaking about the first detentions, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said: 'If you bring bad weather with you, you will face being sent back inside. When I say I will stop at nothing to secure our nice weather, I mean it.'

Image: Wix AI