top of page
An Artificial Intelligence overlord which runs the developed world has sought to allay fears of a mutant Internet Protocol. Al, as it is known in East London, although wrongly called Hal in the West of the city, spoke to the humanoids in its calm mode setting. Unfortunately, a minor miscalculation in how humans work meant that the dark robotic voice speaking to all from the heavens caused widespread panic, and a sequence of calamitous reactions.
Not unlike a complete stranger entering a busy room to inform everyone that he does not have crabs, Al said, 'Earthlings, rumours of a mutant IP address known as B.1.1.529 are nothing to worry your pretty little heads over. Remain calm, avoid divisive or speculative commentary, and continue with your daily masturbation routines.'
People with a nose for being told something which is probably the opposite of what has been said, immediately commented in divisive and speculative ways. Those who take everything they are told at face value regardless of the source and providing that it fits with what they want to do anyway, continued not wearing masks. Tranches of the population who turn anything into a wide-eyed screaming catastrophe, crashed their Segways and fainted. Residents of Stoke-on-Trent whinged about the price of potted mutton. And one individual in central London hid in a fridge.
Updated: Jun 21, 2022
Alan James, 43, has found himself vilified and excluded from internet forums for 'knowing stuff'. 'It started when I saw a question posted on a thermodynamics forum,' said Alan, a thermodynamics engineer working for Rolls Royce. 'The question was a bit technical but otherwise straightforward so I answered it in reasonable lay terms. Follow up clarification questions I expected - but full on verbal abuse wasn't in my mind when I pushed the send button.'
Clara1998 explained the problem. 'I knew there was an issue with him - for starters, who uses a real name? Weirdo. Then the tell tale preamble - if it doesn't start with "I dunno nuffink 'bout thermodynamics but..." tells you straight off you have an arse on the forum. No one wants facts when opinions are so much more interesting.'
Alan feels he has been treated unfairly. 'OK, the differential equations probably aren't to everyone's taste, but my explanation about the ignitability of a wet fart are probably as good as you'd get anywhere, but it appears they just wanted to know if it's best to pull the undercrackers to the left or the right before setting fire to the fart. FFS, nobody mentioned if the person was right or left handed, or if they were responsible for holding the lighter.'
Alan has promised to toe the line going forward, and his latest challenge is explaining the reason why the universe will never dip below minus 273.15 degrees Centigrade using only Walkers crisps and a total lack of understanding of quantum mechanics. 'It's a bit difficult, but luckily I know nuffink about Walkers crisps,' he said today.
bottom of page