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70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean you must be over 18 to watch it, but you can, some might say, still be under 18 to experience it on an island with Prince Andrew.


An unforeseen consequence is that Spotify and YouTube will be censored, but Mrs Brown's Boys will not. You will have to submit all your personal details to access harmful content, a bit like electing Starmer in the first place.


Of course, teenagers will circumvent the system by using a VPN. While Boomers will confuse it with Visible Panty Line. The dark web is set to expand, which is great news if you are an illegal drugs start up.


So no children will be safer as a result, but we will have better access to a Russian blackmailer of your choice.


image from pixabay


Legislation proposed to protect MPs from online porn

It’s the scourge of our age. Innocent, naïve MPs falling prey to internet pornographers.


‘As soon as they know a person was born before 1990 the crooks are laughing’, said Jacob, 9, part of a taskforce set up to protect adults from online dangers. ‘MPs are particularly vun- vunny- . . .’


‘Vulnerable?’ I suggest.


‘Thanks. Yeah, vunnable. They’re even worse than my mum and dad, and they’re hopeless. At least most grown-ups go to work, do a bit of training, have some common sense. MPs – they live like princesses in a story. Like they just get given money for food, a nice flat in London – they don’t have to work or go to school. Sounds nice. Anyway, they need protecting. Like pandas’.


Former MP Neil Parish would have benefitted from some protection. He lost his seat after an innocent search for tractors led him to an entirely different kind of ploughing. The proposed legislation will require porn sites to verify IQ and check a database of current MPs before allowing access to the good stuff. It’s too late for Neil Parish but might save future Tory MPs having to take the wank walk of shame.


image from pixabay


Internet To Be Shut Down For Removal of Giant Pubic Hairball



It has been announced that the entire World Wide Web will be closed to all cyber traffic on Wednesday of next week while engineers work to remove a giant ball of pubic hair that has formed in one of the pipes, believed to be under Bermondsey in South London, caused by the sheer volume of pictures of genitalia being shared by people on dating sites and elsewhere.


Workman will insert a giant drain snake, similar to the device used to unclog a domestic bath or sink pipe, at around 6.00 am, hoping to be finished before people log on after work.


The snake, or auger, to give it its technical name, will then be turned manually by up to five hundred burly men, stripped to the waste, until the offending ball of pubes is broken down before being extracted in long sodden strands which will then be recycled and used for wigs, sweaters, and, in the case of some of the finer strands, bleached and woven into gowns for cash-strapped brides-to-be.


An internet spokesman told newsmen: 'We became aware of increasing delays in data flow during the last few months so sent a remote camera down an internet manhole close to where the problem was most severe.


'We subsequently discovered a large ball of matted pubes in the pipework at Bermondsey, almost certainly caused by people sending each other pics of their dicks and growlers via Tinder and suchlike.


'Hopefully, we'll get this one sorted fairly quickly, although we may be delayed and forced to use flamethrowers if the pubes are matted and bound together with any gobs of spadge or fanny batter.'


image from pixabay


First published 7 July 2023



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