Classic Russian Playbook' banned from children's libraries after invasion of Ukraine

Children's libraries across Europe are refusing to stock the 'Classic Russian Playbook' after it became clear that Putin was using it to plan and execute a full-scale invasion of Ukraine.

"The American President and others have been saying for weeks that Putin's invasion of Ukraine was following the 'Classic Russian Playbook", said the head of the UK Librarian's Association today.

"At first, we found it very difficult to believe that Russia would use a children's book as the focus of an invasion plan, but when we checked the contents, we were quite shocked."

Extracts from the book include:

'This is Vladimir.'

'Vladimir is scared.'

'Vladimir likes playing pretend.'

'Vladimir sits at a very, very long table.'

'Vladimir has surrounded a friendly country with tanks and missiles to the north, east and south.'

'Vladimir pretends to support separatist regions as a pretext for invasion.'

The EU's chief of libraries is withdrawing the book immediately as a precaution against 'giving any other kids ideas.'

Biden: Wales could invade Cornwall at any moment

President Biden has said that an invasion of Cornwall by Wales could happen at 'any moment', and added that the US was ready to respond 'with a very angry email' should an invasion occur.

Cornwall has itself responded angrily to the suggestion, suggesting that the US should 'stay out of our tin mines'. Wales has also denied intending to invade Cornwall, despite a heavy build up of Welsh ramblers on the Cornish border.

Biden insists that a Cornish invasion is still 'very much possible' and that America will step in to secure Europe's pasty supply, sourcing pasties from Devon and Turkey if necessary.

In addition to a possible Welsh invasion of Cornwall, Biden has also warned that Norway could potentially invade Tierra del Fuego, 'literally any second now' and that India might start throwing eggs at Canada, 'just when no one is looking'. He has also advised that the town of Doncaster 'watch your backs, and keep an eye on Cheltenham, because those guys could just walk in, any time'.

image from pixabay

London Mayor insists Russian tanks will pay the congestion charge like everyone else

Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, has warned President Putin that if his tanks arrive in the UK shortly after demolishing Ukraine and the rest of Europe, he'll pay a heavy price.

'We're not just talking about increasing the service charge on the multi-million-pound apartments snapped up by filthy rich oligarchs. No, we're going to hit Putin where it hurts. His 50-ton tanks all run on diesel, so they'll be paying the full £15.00 charge a day. I can't see any proposed invasion of the UK lasting that long while it incurs significant levels of costs.

'I've also spoken to TFL and the unions to organise tube and bus strikes as soon as the tanks and soldiers reach London. They won't be able to bully Islington and Kensington into submission if they can't travel anywhere, will they? However, if they behave themselves and services are restored, we could issue them with Oyster cards. They'd then be able to take advantage of off-peak and discounted rates as we could classify them as being on work placement in the capital.'

image from pixabay