Basic Clocks Startled At Being Forced To Lose An Hour

Inexpensive battery powered clocks all across the land are being startled this morning by being hastily pulled down from their usual vantage point, having their round button which attaches to their delicate hard-working hands wrenched backwards and then being replaced without so much as a dusting or a thank you for your service.

The kitchen clock with a jolly design of vegetables was first to experience this indignity. It hopes the person that twiddled its settings will be inexplicably hungry an hour before dinner this evening. Shiny black and silver sitting room clock which doesn’t even have minute segments was shocked to descend from the usual place and be twisted into the past. It hopes that the sun shines on its glass later, making it unreadable. Spare bedroom clock with the loud tick was the last to be fumbled with. It plans to keep future guests awake with a slightly louder tick than normal until they crack and put it in the wardrobe.

The infrequently worn Casio calculator watch smirking on the sideboard was pleased at having escaped having his buttons mashed and looks forward to causing time based confusion soon. The iPhone which was used as the definitive guide to the correct time enjoyed the tour of the house and congratulated itself on already knowing of the hour to be lived twice.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/

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EU Apple device users outraged at plans to give same charger as everyone else

Apple users in the EU were today outraged by plans to force them to use the same USB-C charging cables as the ordinary Windows or Android user. "We are used to a cooler, more ergonomic, slicker form of electricity" said Ambroos, 26, from Amsterdam. "And what if Android users want to borrow my charger? What can I say?" She asked.

Apple are said to be developing designs to comply with the regulations, but the Apple chargers and sockets will be retained in new models alongside the new ones. A spokesman said: "There will be a USB-C port in the centre of the back of the case, covered by a flap. The flap will open only when you push a button on an app which will be free to download to a linked Apple phone. This action will also purchase for you a new Apple charger, unless you disable this feature in settings."

Image: Unsplash/Andreas Haslinger

iPhone5s buyers directed straight to queue for iPhone6

Excited buyers of Apple's flagship new iPhone5S in Oxford Street were delighted to be directed straight to an exclusive queue for the iPhone 6 immediately after their purchase.

‘The new iPhone 5S isn't just the greatest smartphone of all time. It's also your ticket to get first in line for the new iPhone 6,’ said store manager Damian Walsh, ushering new owners of the £549 gadget to the start of a five-mile obstacle course of tensile barriers on a circuitous route back to the front of the store, which will be their home for the next year. 'Sure, the queue has no food, shelter, or toilet facilities. But did Steve Jobs stop to worry about those things when he was creating the legend that is Apple?'

Clutching his still-boxed iPhone5S, which cost him half of his month’s salary, Apple devotee Craig Flack commented: ‘Wow! I spent four days queuing in the pouring rain to get my hands on the iPhone5S, but I never dreamed that I'd get the added bonus of being one of the first to queue up to purchase the iPhone 6! Come to think of it, I’m a little embarrassed to be seen with this now outdated model.’ Flack was later seen holding his head in his hands and tossing an unopened white package into a nearby bin, before hurrying off to join the rapidly growing queue, which industry analysts believe will remain in situ for at least the next year while Apple design and manufacture the device.

Asked what he thought about customers who declined the offer to queue up immediately after their purchase for the sixth edition of the iPhone, Walsh commented: ‘Whatever. They'll be sorry in two months' time when the screen on their iPhone5S has cracked, their apps are no longer supported and the battery life has reduced to half an hour. Then we'll see how cool they look with their so called 'smartphones'. Dickheads.’