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Bilingual' Englishman admits all he can do is translate between English and Northern English

Updated: Dec 24, 2021

One of the cleverest men in Surrey thought to speak a staggering total of two languages, has been caught out in an embarrassing sting operation.

Craig Haverford from Guildford had boasted for many years of speaking two languages fluently. But when challenged by a female regular at the Star Inn last Saturday evening, it transpired that all he could do was translate between English and a language known as Northern English.

'I was born in Halifax and spent most of my early life in places north of the Watford Gap,' said Haverford. 'Then, in my early teens, my parents forcibly removed me from the region to live in a new and strange place called T' South. I had to adapt quickly to survive, forcing me to learn Southern English. It was hard because some people speak a dialect called Queen's Tongue Well-plummy, and others speak a completely different form called Mockney Eastenders.

'But I got there in the end. That enabled me to help people from different parts of England understand each other. There's no Google Translate for Scouse, Brummie, or Yorkshire Bastard, so Southerners could only communicate by being head-butted.

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