Bilingual' Englishman admits all he can do is translate between English and Northern English

One of the cleverest men in Surrey thought to speak a staggering total of two languages, has been caught out in an embarrassing sting operation.

Craig Haverford from Guildford had boasted for many years of speaking two languages fluently. But when challenged by a female regular at the Star Inn last Saturday evening, it transpired that all he could do was translate between English and a language known as Northern English.

'I was born in Halifax and spent most of my early life in places north of the Watford Gap,' said Haverford. 'Then, in my early teens, my parents forcibly removed me from the region to live in a new and strange place called T' South. I had to adapt quickly to survive, forcing me to learn Southern English. It was hard because some people speak a dialect called Queen's Tongue Well-plummy, and others speak a completely different form called Mockney Eastenders.

'But I got there in the end. That enabled me to help people from different parts of England understand each other. There's no Google Translate for Scouse, Brummie, or Yorkshire Bastard, so Southerners could only communicate by being head-butted.

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Ebahgumshire Cricket Club banned from hosting Black History Month events

'It's a complete travesty,' said Ebahgumshire's controversial Director of T'Cricket, Maurice Braithwaite. 'T'England and Wales cricket board won't let us have owt to do with anything ethnic minority related. They've suspended us from screening 1970's popular sitcoms during the tea interval and threatened to confiscate all our cricket bats for the start of next t'season. All our sponsors have buggered off apart from Britain First which I'm led to believe is some sort of keep fit chain.'

A spokesperson for the ECB said that it wasn't the kind of behaviour they'd expect from a first-class county. They fully expected Mr Braithwaite to resign even if it was only for putting a 't' in front of everything.

'Resign? They're bloody bonkers. I'm just about the least racist person I know. I'm playing the part of the black maid in the clubs Gone With T'Wind Christmas panto, and the manager of the Ebahgumshire Balti House chain of restaurants never has a problem with me calling him Gandhi.'

Image: jstarj | Pixabay

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Government creates essential new role of Witchfinder General

Downing Street has announced that a new senior government role has been created with the innovative and catchy title of Witchfinder General. Within minutes this was aggressively denied by the same senior ministers who had just announced it. There then followed the now expected period of clarification, suspiciously in the shape of a u-turn, reiterating that there had been no u-turns and that any footage of the same ministers saying precisely the opposite of what they were now saying was all in the minds of fools and incompetents.

A renowned and highly respected leaker with a penchant for snitching explained, "Our top government minds got together to assess the greatest threats to the UK in 2021. Eventually, a cleaner happened by and pointed out that the Cabinet room double doors were pullers and not pushers, so they were finally able to take their places around the table and begin their Mega-Brains-Trust meeting."

"Once all of the gurgling and sheep noises died down, consensus was reached that a new, progressive, forward-looking, radical overhaul of political structure was required. Vigorous nodding and high-pitched squeals confirmed that the greatest threats to the UK were goblins, witches and naughty looking goats lurking under bridges. No one could see any ongoing need for Health, Education or the Environment, so those departments have been axed with immediate effect. In their place, a colossal uber-department will be formed called the Department for the Eradication of Really Scary Stuff. Jacob Rees-Mogg couldn't stop screaming and Michael Gove wet his pants, so it was agreed that they were both ideal candidates for the new role of Witchfinder General."

"Gove and Rees-Mogg will undergo a series of paddle-based tests. Whichever of them maims the highest number of baby ducklings will be awarded the most highly-prized position in British politics. The victor's most pressing priority will be to categorise all non-Conservative-Party-donors in the land as 'a bit witchy-looking'. Following that will come the somewhat hostile environment we are calling the mass drownings phase. Whoever survives that will be automatically reclassified as proven witches and deported to Yorkshire."