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Those new Burnham policies in full


As the nation looks forward to a proper northern Prime Minister, with proper northern policies, Newsbiscuit presents a handy guide to what we can all expect.


  1. More investment in the north. 'Currently the north's benefits bill is a huge drain on the rest of the country,' said Andy Burnham today. 'Instead, we should send just as much money north, but call it investment. Which would in some way be better.'


  1. The national anthem to be replaced by the music from the Hovis ad, or the theme tune to Coronation Street on ceremonial occasions.


  1. The three meals of the day to be called breakfast, dinner and 'us tea', the last of which must always be bread and dripping washed down with Yorkshire tea.


  1. Plans to join the euro to be abandoned, and sterling instead to be replaced with pies.


  1. London always to be referred to as 'that London'.


  1. A picture of Liam Gallagher putting two fingers up to be on every banknote.


  1. Assuming someone's from Yorkshire when they're actually from Lancashire (or vice versa) to be made a capital offence.


  1. Manchester City to be exempted from Premier League spending limits (isn't this true already?).


  2. Vastly exaggerating the hardship of your childhood to be made compulsory.


  1. BBC transmission to finish every night with an episode of Phoenix Nights.


  1. Monkeh to be given a peerage for his services to tea sales, with a further award for "not being stuck up".


12. A new HS3 train line to be built between Leeds and Bradford, 'cos there's nowhere else worth goin' ter.'


13. An annual pilgrimage to Makerfield to be required of every citizen, except of course Andy Burnham who'll

never set foot there again.



Image credit: ChatGPT

Yorkshire explorer mounts expedition to the source of the M1


"They say up here that it can't be found," said Harold Parkinson-Truman, a retired VAT inspector from Wakefield, packing up a hi-viz vest, some Kendal mint cake and a postcard of Tower Bridge to help when asking directions.


"But I've lived along the M1 all my life. I've seen it in its rush hours and when it's fogbound, and I'm going to devote my autumn years to finding the fabled source of it - way down at Junction 1 in that London."


Consoling his weeping wife and ferret, Harold continued: "They don't want me to go down south and start taking on their ways, like attending the opera at Glynebourne and supporting Chelsea. But I've been told tales of the wonderful exotic food they have in ChoZen Noodle at London Gateway services. The allure's too great to resist.


"They say that once a coachload of football supporters from Barnsley set off down the M1 to try and watch an FA Cup tie against Leyton Orient, but the authorities turned them back at the Watford Gap.


"My plan is to sneak into the Home Counties by nipping through the fields somewhere around Daventry. Then I'll pitch camp at Watford for the final leg down to Brent Cross.


"I hope the local tribesmen are friendly."


"We're not," a spokes-tribesman for Brent visitors' centre said gruffly, when told of Harold's expedition.


Asked if he had any tips for the intrepid explorer to north-west London, the tourist official answered simply: "Wear a stab proof vest."



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