“This is not who we are” says Irish PM who’s evidently never been to Ireland

Taoiseach of Ireland Leo Varadkar has expressed his horror at the recent rioting in Dublin, saying “This is not who we are”. This has led some to wonder whether he has ever visited the country he runs.

“Just because we’re so prone to violence that the country next door can’t vote to leave the EU without us kicking off, that doesn’t mean we’re in any way prone to violence. Nor should people read anything into the fact that communities in the north of the island have to have a ‘peace wall’ down the middle so the residents don’t kill each other.

“None of this explains the utterly unprecedented and baffling outbreak of violence in Dublin last night. Is it any wonder the Gardai didn’t know how to respond to a problem they never in a million years expected to face?”

He went on to say that the Irish had no great love of Guinness, betting on horses or the colour green, and that shops in Dublin definitely weren’t full of mugs and tea towels with leprechauns on them.

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Guinness to be renamed “Biden”

Coinciding with the US President’s visit to Ireland, the brewers of Guinness made the surprise announcement today that their famous product is to be renamed “Biden”.

'We’d always thought that nothing symbolised Ireland quite like Guinness,' said a spokesman today. 'But we now realise that the Biden brand is far more authentically Irish than Guinness could ever be, and we’re seeking to capitalise on that.”

He admitted it was a cheap marketing ploy, 'But then so is Biden harping on about his Irish ancestry all the time, and ignoring the branch of his family that came from Sussex.

'I only wish we’d thought of it in time for St Bidey’s Day on 17th March.'

Other Irish brands were quick to follow suit, with leprechauns from now on being known as “the little Bidens”, shamrocks becoming “Bidenwort” (with the Latin name Bidenia plasticpaddyensis) and Martin McDonagh has announced that his next film will be called “The Bidens of Inishbiden”. Dublin’s Tourist Board said it had no plans to change the name to “Joe Biden City”, but only because they hadn’t thought of it.

A suggestion to rename the troubles “the Bidens” also met with broad support, on the grounds that it was Irish Americans who paid for them.

Responding to criticisms that Biden was perhaps in thrall to a clichéd version of Ireland rather than the modern country that actually exists, the White House issued a statement saying 'Bejaysus t’was a terrible business, to be sure and begorrah'.

Biden makes diplomatic gaffe in Dublin pub

President Biden attempted to order a Guiness cocktail in O'shaunessy's Irish pub yesterday and may have caused a diplomatic crisis, Newsbiscuit's Dublin reporter says. Hoping to be served a Black Russian, the President is said to have inadvertently asked for a "Black Commie Bastard".

The White House claims the barman probably misheard the President and blames the band for a playing a rousing rendition of The Patriot Game which had many of the pubgoers singing along to.

Having eventually been served his drink, the President thanked the pub for its hospitality and declined an invitation to stay until the fight started.