Netflix buy Roald Dahl's books so rich corporations can get a happy ending

The global streaming service has said it intends to make a few tweaks to Dahl’s books, to ensure that ‘Arthur Slugworth gets fair representation’. In a surprising plot twist, Charlie finds a golden ticket, only to have an injunction taken out against him by Veruca Salt. The Oompa Loompas are deported and everyone gets stage two diabetes.

‘We want the books to have endings that reflect the reality of late-stage capitalism,’ explained a producer. ‘It makes much more sense for Willy Wonka to float his firm on the stock market, rather than bequeath it to a boy whose own grandparents fake being bed ridden, in order to scrounge benefits.’

With the new versions, Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker successfully sell their peach stockpiles to Tesco and unwanted grubs to ITV’s ‘Bushtucker Trial’. Miss Trunchball establishes a successful academy chain. While The Grand High Witch gets her wish to wipe out of children in the UK, by turning Marcus Rashford into a mouse.

Said the author’s estate. ‘It’s what Roald would have wanted... BFG... Big F$ckin Greed’

Ant and Dec added to list of proscribed organisations

.In a surprise move, it was announced today cheeky Geordie duo, Ant & Dec, have been added to the list of proscribed organisations from September.

A spokesman for the Department of Digital Culture, Media and Sport said: 'Something has to be done. Their brand of yeasty banter and faux blokiness has been allowed to fester and must be stopped. They have long outstayed their welcome and are becoming irritating beyond all belief.

'I'm amazed that Noel Edmonds has not brought a legal action against them for blatantly ripping off his "House Party" and rebranding it as risible drivel, "Saturday Night Takeaway.

'Their hopeless antics ought to have been curtailed years ago, but still, better late than never. If they appear on our TV screens again they will be arrested.'

It's understood Phillip Schofield, Holly Willoughby and Keith Lemon (Leigh Francis) have consulted lawyers to ensure they don't suffer a similar fate.'

However, one showbiz legal expert commented: 'I think these three are swimming against the tide, as it looks as if this utterly incompetent government is going to finally do something that can be applauded by all sections of the public.'

New series of ‘I’m a Celebrity’ will be set in Calais

Sources from ITV have confirmed rumours that the channel's new series of 'I'm a Celebrity get me out of here!' is to be set on the outskirts of Calais. 'This is a variation on a theme; usually we send our celebs to Australia but this new jungle that has sprung up in Calais provides our stars with plenty of challenges' said a spokesman.

The contestants will be placed in an abandoned building about 3 miles from the town's centre and will face the usual endurance tests only with a twist.

'The celebs will face the usual deprivations but instead of sleeping bags, our usually pampered celebs will have to sleep on mouldy old mattresses and use old carrier bags to collect water.' said the spokesman.

The viewers will vote which star they wish to vote out of the hell hole every couple of nights and they will get the opportunity to escape by attempting to get back into the UK by any means possible. Part-time glamour model Linzi Chambers has today revealed that she had been approached for the series but had refused claiming that clinging onto the underside of a lorry for dear life for six hours would 'ruin her nails'.

'It's this aspect that may need a rethink' said critics of the new show. 'Perhaps they'll take some desperate but hard-working migrant and deport the celeb who's only famous only for sleeping with a Premiership footballer. Now that might be worth watching.'

S J Roe