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    • Modelmaker
      • 2 days ago
      • 1 min read

    Government proposes to ban barcodes on goods and reintroduce price labels





    Among the countless Brexit benefits already identified by Mr Rees-Mogg, he is proposing a bill be put before parliament that would ban shops and supermarkets from using barcode technology and return to good old-fashioned British price labels.


    Mr Rees-Mogg's "accountant" explained that Jacob's personal success with massaging hedge funds came partly from his pleasure as a child, in mentally adding up the cost of the shopping in his nanny’s trolley as she placed it on the conveyor in Harrods food hall.


    'He could tell her to the exact farthing what her shopping would cost and any discrepancy with what was demanded of her by the servant at the till, would obviously be due to fraud. Whereupon the store manager would call security and insist the till slave was whipped to within an inch of her life and denied gruel. Until she begged for forgiveness and promised to be trustworthy on fear that if it happened again, the graves of her dead children would be sent to Rwanda, or some other God-forsaken hell hole like Glastonbury.'


    Enquiries into whether Mr Rees-Mogg had used the self-checkout systems that supermarkets now have, brought the following reply from his "accountant": 'Good Heavens no! A trip to a supermarket would be over as soon as one walked in, with those ridiculous EU-inspired things. A supermarket trip surely needs to allow sufficient time in the checkout queue to have at least a three-course picnic.'

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    • Politics
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    • apepper
      • Jun 13
      • 1 min read

    Rees-Mogg: "All UK mobile phones to use same coal scuttle standard by 2024"




    Government Minister and Bash Street softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has announced that all mobile phones sold in Britain will not only be coal fired but must all use the same coal scuttle with a standard volume of half a sack.


    Mr Rees-Mogg explained more "The tiny island of the EU are trying to suppress the mobile telephone charger market by insisting on new fangled 'electrical' connection to provide horse power, British telephones should use British coal mined by British children and we can make things much easier for British mobile telephone makers - of which, I'm sure there are many, by setting a standard for scuttle size by 1824 (sic)."


    Image: Pixabay/Alexas_Photos

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    • Science/Business
    861 views0 comments
    • SimonJMr
      • Jun 5
      • 1 min read

    Rainbow reboot to feature senior Tories



    ITV have announced that following the wave of nostalgia that the nation has been riding during the jubilee celebrations that they are to bring back the much loved Rainbow.


    “The reboot of Rainbow will merge children’s programming of yesteryear with todays scripted reality programmes such as TOWIE and Made in Chelsea” said a senior figure within ITV.


    Senior Tory grandees and ministers have been considered to be used in the programme. Meet some of the contenders.


    Geoffrey - the educator of Bungle - Jacob Rees-Mogg

    Zippy - a tangerine oval-headed puppet with a zip for a mouth - Boris Johnson

    George - a shy pink hippo - George Eustace

    Bungle - An out of his depth, inquisitive simpleton - Grant Shapps

    Rod - Rishi Sunak

    Jane - Nadine Dorries / Michael Fabricant role share

    Freddy - Grant Shapps

    Aunty - Priti Patel / Liz Truss in a role share


    Each episode will feature a song by pastel dungaree wearing Rod, Jane and Freddy explaining the intricacies of economics, foreign policy or domestic policy issues of a day, that simply explains the issues in way that even they can understand.


    Photo by Alex Jackman on Unsplash

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