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King Arthur awakes and dresses in a rush to save nation


"Christ, is that the time?" gasped Arthur, tumbling out of his tomb under Glastonbury Tor and donning his chainmail in a panic.


"I promised to return and save Britain if ever it were in dire peril," muttered the once and future king, girding Excalibur and taking a quick slug of coffee from the Holy Grail.


"Now look what I've done. I dozed off here on the Isle of Avalon and slept right through the catastrophic administrations of Boris, May, Truss and Starmer.


"God knows how those duffers have screwed up the country while I slumbered. I doubt even a messianic figure like myself could sort out the wasteland they've left behind them."


"Ni!" said Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, one of the Boris-made knights who like to say Ni, as the saviour-king emerged into 21st-century Britain.


"Look who it is! That dreadful oik, King Arthur."


image from pixabay


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Johnson to change deadly sins system to five



The Prime-minister has announced a revamp of what was previously known as the 7 deadly sins with gluttony and lust being removed "as soon as practical, certainly before Carrie finds out".


Mr Rees-Mogg, appearing blinking and ruffled after months of searching for Brexit benefits, appeared to explain the religious connotations. "The 7 deadly sins were thought up by some EU country and it's about time we got rid of some long obsolete so called 'sins' that left-wing clerics go on about."


With lust and gluttony already numbered, sloth and pride - described by Mr Johnson as "good, Conservative values" are thought to be next, although the introduction of "not taking one for the prime-minister" as a new sin is being considered.




First published 30 May 2022


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Rees-Mogg embroiled in 'office stove fuel row' with cabinet colleagues and civil servants


Following recent visits in and around the government's Whitehall offices, Minister for Brexit Opportunities (whatever that is), Jacob Rees-Mogg, is said to have been 'discomfited and dismayed' to find many civil servants were not at their desks, preferring instead to continue to work from home.


Upon discovering this, Mr Rees-Mogg is understood to have left individual notes for when the officers return. NewsBiscuit has obtained a copy of the note.


Dear *****


I was quite thoroughly dismayed to find you were not at your desk when I called today.

Your many hard-working and considerably more diligent colleagues informed me you were "working from home".

I take a very dim view of this. We would not have defeated Mr Hitler, had our gallant forces adopted the same slovenly, lackadaisical and offhand attitude.

I suggest you buck up your ideas, or you will find your personal winter stove fuel allowance capped at a maximum 3 small-sized coals per day.


That is all.


J. Rees-Mogg (Secretary of State for Preposterous & Made-up Ministries)


One cabinet colleague who wished for her comments to remain off the record said. 'Well, that's Jacob all over isn't it? He really is an utterly hopeless dick. Embarrassingly out of touch with the modern era and work practices. But now if you'll forgive me, I'm off to Waterstones for my book signing."



First published 27 April 2022


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