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Tory right torn between destroying economy and making people miserable



The right wing of the Tory party is arguing about the next "big idea" for the country. Jacob Rees-Mogg has proposed raising the retirement age to 97, legalising work for the under 3s and reopening coal mines, "not for the coal, but for the LOLZ".


Lord Frost disagrees with Mogg's idea. "It's been claimed that my last wheeze is costing the country £100bn a year, but I think we can do better than that. If we make retirement age below the school leaving age, then the entire country grinds to a halt in a year and I think we can make that per week. Now, that would be an achievement."


John Redwood has proposed a zero rate income tax combined with a maximum wage "for plebs" of £0 per hour, with a 10% bonus for weekends.

image from pixabay



First published 4 Feb 2023


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Nigeria in talks with UK for return of Rees-Mogg



Following recent successful negotiations with several museums in the UK for the return of looted artefacts, the Nigerian government are now believed to be in the advanced stages of talks to secure the return of Victorian missionary, Jacob Rees-Mogg.


Rees-Mogg, who is estimated to be over two hundred years old, disappeared from his mission station in a jungle clearing close to the capital, Abuja, in 1847.


Initially, it was thought that the Roman Catholic member of the White Fathers evangelical order had been killed by native tribesmen and possibly eaten, but he then re-emerged in the Horniman Museum in South London where he remained on display in a glass cabinet for almost half a century, kept alive on a diet of hard tack biscuits, acorn gruel and holy water


In the 1960s, a deal was struck with the Rees-Mogg family who took him back to the family home in Somerset where he enjoyed a brief career as a performer in a local music hall, singing sea shanties and Victorian love ditties in a high falsetto while riding back and forth across the stage on a penny-farthing bicycle.


He then entered politics and became the Conservative member for East Somerset and more recently the Minister For Brexit Opportunities.


After failing to find any, he asked to be returned to the museum where he remains in the basement, awaiting restoration work on his knees and monocle.


A museum spokesman told newsmen last night: 'We realise that Jacob may have been looted so we are very much open to returning him to Nigeria.


'Let them pay for his kedgeree breakfasts and monthly subscription to Mature Nannies In Suspenders.'


In 1947, the museum successfully fought off an action to return Ann Widdecombe to the United States after they claimed she had been looted from The House of Grotesques on Coney Island by drunken matelots from HMS Bulwark in 1870.




First published 30 Nov 2022


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Boris Johnson off to see the Wizard of Oz, with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Dominic Raab


The Prime Minister today announced that he shall be setting off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, accompanied by Jacob "Tin Man" Rees-Mogg, and Dominic "Scarecrow" Raab, in order to secure help in the Tory Party finding it's way home. This was caused by a terrible storm of back-handers which physically lifted the Tory Party into the air and dropped it in what turned out to be familiar territory. On encountering the Wicked Witch of the Centre-Left, Kier Starmer, in the House of Con-Mens, Boris raised his fists shouting put 'em up, put 'em up, then ran off when Starmer actually did.


Rees-Mogg, famous for his caring attitude to victims of flammable cladding, and Raab, whose grasp of important import-export routes in the UK is the stuff of legend, will accompany Johnson in his quest. They hoped to be cheered on their way by The Back-Benchkins, but will not be joined by Nicola "Dorothy" Sturgeon, renowned for singing "somewhere over in Glasgow". Many of the Back-Benchkins are Friends of Dorothy, but are rather too coy to come out and say so.


They hope to make "much progress, very soon" but have been warned of the difficulties with border checks when trying to enter the home of the Wizard, The Emerald Isle.






First published 19 Nov 2021


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