The race is on to find a ‘bad actor’ worthy of becoming James Bond’s adversary in the franchise reboot.
Donald Trump has already been rejected – the make-up and adult diaper bills would have been ruinous, even for a Hollywood blockbuster.
Benjamin Netanyahu was another early reject. Might have looked anti-Semitic, plus he has all sorts of kompromat on, well, everybody. Best not risk it.
Elon Musk is a strong contender though the screenwriters have said they might struggle to humanise him enough to make him relatable. Fair point.
So . . a posh Brit again? Couldn’t be Nigel Farage – no self-respecting Bond villain would lower himself to pick up a mere £5 million if he found it on the floor - but our Nigel’s a shoo-in for the role of ‘weaselly sycophant who gets tipped into a shark tank’ in Act One. The studio has already received hundreds of letters from sharks volunteering for THAT role.
NewsBiscuit’s hot tip for Bond villain: Jacob Rees-Mogg. The voice alone is somehow punchable. Couple it with a top hat and monocle and we think he could be the one we never tire of seeing on the receiving end of an ICBM. The challenge for the writers will be making him appear sufficiently competent to run something more complex than a tombola at the village fete.
Image: ChatGPT
"Christ, is that the time?" gasped Arthur, tumbling out of his tomb under Glastonbury Tor and donning his chainmail in a panic.
"I promised to return and save Britain if ever it were in dire peril," muttered the once and future king, girding Excalibur and taking a quick slug of coffee from the Holy Grail.
"Now look what I've done. I dozed off here on the Isle of Avalon and slept right through the catastrophic administrations of Boris, May, Truss and Starmer.
"God knows how those duffers have screwed up the country while I slumbered. I doubt even a messianic figure like myself could sort out the wasteland they've left behind them."
"Ni!" said Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, one of the Boris-made knights who like to say Ni, as the saviour-king emerged into 21st-century Britain.
"Look who it is! That dreadful oik, King Arthur."
image from pixabay
Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.