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Queen's covid response indicates the virus can jump species again



Her Majesty the Queen has said that her recent brush with covid left her tired, irritable and short on humour. 'It was like Philip had returned,' she said. Covid researchers have shown alarm at the Queen exhibiting symptoms as previously the virus transmission chain only included bats, humans, cats and dogs. 'If lizards can catch it, then we'll probably never stop it,' said one researcher today.


'We were initially concerned when Prime Minister Boris Johnson contracted the disease in the early days of the pandemic, we didn't think it could be passed to beings that were almost but not quite human forms, but then we thought "OK, it's only Boris, might do the country some good",' admitted a covid researcher today. 'So we weren't concerned at all in the end,' he added.


It is currently unknown if Jacob Rees-Mogg is capable of getting the disease. Now that blood temperature doesn't appear to be a barrier there is only the small issues of not requiring oxygen to function and the inability to cast a reflection to consider. 'To date, every person that we know to have caught covid has been known to cast a shadow, so perhaps he's going to be ok, unfortunately,' said a researcher.




First published 12 April 2022



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Frozen pensioners to be cryogenically preserved



The government has offered new hope to elderly people found dead in their Arctically-heated flats. Labour promises to keep them frozen until such time as they can be revived and resume their lives in a world where climate change has made winter a thing of the past.


'Pensioners should see this as an opportunity. Many are living in conditions ideal for sub-zero preservation', says a government spokesperson. 'From there they can be moved to a cryogenic storage facility to free up space for new tenants'. People going blue with the cold can take comfort in the fact that it could be the first step to a new life in the 22nd century.


However, Tory critics are acccusing the government of 'stockpiling future Labour voters' at taxpayers' expense. Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg opposes the measure: 'I know what it's like to wake up in the wrong century and I wouldn't wish it on anybody'.


Image: WixAI

GB News Acquired by The Beano


Following the fire-sale purchase of right-wing news organisation InfoWars by satirical site The Onion, financially struggling UK counterpart GB News has announced its acquisition by a similar long-standing publication, The Beano.


'We're delighted to bring GB News under The Beano's masthead,' said Denise Menice, editor-in-chief. 'Thankfully we'll have to make very few alterations, given we've already got Nigel Farage as a perfect Roger the Dodger, telling you how to dodge inheritance tax; Jacob Rees-Mogg was actually the original model for Lord Snooty, so it's really a case of life imitating art; and of course the rest make a great ensemble piece as the numbskulls."


In a Clacton pub, regular viewers were - perhaps shockingly - welcome to the changes. 'So long as they don't take that Michelle Dewberry off the breakfast show,' one supporter remarked, 'she's the only reason I get up in the morning, if you get my drift, fnar fnar!' While another was a little more hesitant, telling us, 'I'm worried about two things: First, the woke agenda sneaking in. None of the kids get whacked with a slipper or a cane any more. I was beaten by my dad and it never did me any harm, if you don't count the PTSD. Second, I hope they don't use all those long words like they do in the comic. I try to read it every week, and have to ask my son for help.'


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