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Johnson to change deadly sins system to five



The Prime-minister has announced a revamp of what was previously known as the 7 deadly sins with gluttony and lust being removed "as soon as practical, certainly before Carrie finds out".


Mr Rees-Mogg, appearing blinking and ruffled after months of searching for Brexit benefits, appeared to explain the religious connotations. "The 7 deadly sins were thought up by some EU country and it's about time we got rid of some long obsolete so called 'sins' that left-wing clerics go on about."


With lust and gluttony already numbered, sloth and pride - described by Mr Johnson as "good, Conservative values" are thought to be next, although the introduction of "not taking one for the prime-minister" as a new sin is being considered.




First published 30 May 2022


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Rees-Mogg embroiled in 'office stove fuel row' with cabinet colleagues and civil servants


Following recent visits in and around the government's Whitehall offices, Minister for Brexit Opportunities (whatever that is), Jacob Rees-Mogg, is said to have been 'discomfited and dismayed' to find many civil servants were not at their desks, preferring instead to continue to work from home.


Upon discovering this, Mr Rees-Mogg is understood to have left individual notes for when the officers return. NewsBiscuit has obtained a copy of the note.


Dear *****


I was quite thoroughly dismayed to find you were not at your desk when I called today.

Your many hard-working and considerably more diligent colleagues informed me you were "working from home".

I take a very dim view of this. We would not have defeated Mr Hitler, had our gallant forces adopted the same slovenly, lackadaisical and offhand attitude.

I suggest you buck up your ideas, or you will find your personal winter stove fuel allowance capped at a maximum 3 small-sized coals per day.


That is all.


J. Rees-Mogg (Secretary of State for Preposterous & Made-up Ministries)


One cabinet colleague who wished for her comments to remain off the record said. 'Well, that's Jacob all over isn't it? He really is an utterly hopeless dick. Embarrassingly out of touch with the modern era and work practices. But now if you'll forgive me, I'm off to Waterstones for my book signing."



First published 27 April 2022


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I've been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg



Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak's wife's non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he's been a paid practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short, without declaring his earnings to the Inland Revenue.


Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: 'I've been involved in the sub/dom world pretty much since I left Eton forty or so years back.


'I think it's a public school thing, to be honest.


'We used to flog the younger boys regularly, and, on occasion, would get them to return the favour.


'I opened a sub/dom bawdy house in St James's after leaving school and ran the entire show for thirty years at a handsome profit without paying a penny in income tax.


'I now fully intend to recompense the exchequer for the full amount and shall be asking my mistress in Pimlico to flog me to the bone by way of penance.'


Rees-Mogg was reprimanded by the Government Chief Whip in nineteen ninety-seven for asking a female House of Commons staff member to beat him bloody with a barbed scourge in the ladies' toilets.



First published 14 April 2022


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