Rees-Mogg confident on finding yeti "soon"

Jacob Rees-Mogg has announced that he is mounting an expedition to photograph and, ideally, to capture the legendary yeti or abominable snowman.

"I decided to start easy.", explained Mr Rees-Mogg, "I'm popping off to the Himalayas tomorrow with my support team and I'm very confident that Nanny will easily spot an ape one third of a perch in height - she found Mr Teddy when he was lost."

"Obviously, I will be liaising with the Foreign Secretary. Mr Raab has informed me that the Himalayas are somewhere near Ceylon, so I will be catching an early carriage tomorrow as for certain logistical reasons, travelling through the small island of Europe has become rather problematic recently."

When asked how this expedition would affect his new job finding Brexit benefits, Mr Rees-Mogg paused, then said "I'm also planning a trip to Loch Ness."

Yeti Mountains Snow - Free photo on Pixabay

Truss and Rees-Mogg discuss Europe

Rees-Mogg gets Brexit opportunity for ‘Sunlit Uplands’ screenplay

After another Academy snub, Jacob Rees-Mogg has returned to his Brexit-based screenplay, ‘Sunlit Uplands’ and will use his new position as Minister for Brexit Opportunities to conduct gonzo research.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers noted ‘Jacob R Mogg is the Hunter S Thompson of Dickensian villainy. That time he napped in the Commons was because he was working so hard on this screenplay. Can you imagine him in the Los Angeles sunshine? He’d turn to dust. If he were a vampire, which he almost certainly isn’t. Casting Nadine as Boris' love interest though? Bit obvious.’

In search of a more dramatic narrative arc, Rees-Mogg is said to have fired up the Unnecessary Human Suffering Machine – or the Brexitron 3000. It produced an unearthly glow and either the machine or Rees-Mogg boomed ‘Grizzly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom, ahahahaha’.

Eu United Kingdom Problem - Free image on Pixabay