Government creates essential new role of Witchfinder General

Downing Street has announced that a new senior government role has been created with the innovative and catchy title of Witchfinder General. Within minutes this was aggressively denied by the same senior ministers who had just announced it. There then followed the now expected period of clarification, suspiciously in the shape of a u-turn, reiterating that there had been no u-turns and that any footage of the same ministers saying precisely the opposite of what they were now saying was all in the minds of fools and incompetents.

A renowned and highly respected leaker with a penchant for snitching explained, "Our top government minds got together to assess the greatest threats to the UK in 2021. Eventually, a cleaner happened by and pointed out that the Cabinet room double doors were pullers and not pushers, so they were finally able to take their places around the table and begin their Mega-Brains-Trust meeting."

"Once all of the gurgling and sheep noises died down, consensus was reached that a new, progressive, forward-looking, radical overhaul of political structure was required. Vigorous nodding and high-pitched squeals confirmed that the greatest threats to the UK were goblins, witches and naughty looking goats lurking under bridges. No one could see any ongoing need for Health, Education or the Environment, so those departments have been axed with immediate effect. In their place, a colossal uber-department will be formed called the Department for the Eradication of Really Scary Stuff. Jacob Rees-Mogg couldn't stop screaming and Michael Gove wet his pants, so it was agreed that they were both ideal candidates for the new role of Witchfinder General."

"Gove and Rees-Mogg will undergo a series of paddle-based tests. Whichever of them maims the highest number of baby ducklings will be awarded the most highly-prized position in British politics. The victor's most pressing priority will be to categorise all non-Conservative-Party-donors in the land as 'a bit witchy-looking'. Following that will come the somewhat hostile environment we are calling the mass drownings phase. Whoever survives that will be automatically reclassified as proven witches and deported to Yorkshire."

'The History of the Teaspoon' and other thrilling Radio 4 documentaries

Radio 4 has aired a series of absolutely thrilling documentaries covering a range of hard hitting topics. The station is hoping to appeal to younger listeners with the release of these ‘hip-to-the-groove’ programmes rather than their usual demographic of boring, old, posh people. Here are our favourites:

1. The History Of The Teaspoon – from conception to cup in 53 episodes

2. Cravat Etiquette – when to cravat and when not to cravat

3. The Archers ‘unleashed’ : Kate and Alice get dirty on the farm whilst cleaning out the cow shed

4. Jigsaw Puzzles – the best, the worst and the just-about-acceptable

5. Agricultural Trends of 2021 – pimp my tractor special

6. The UK Drill Scene – getting groovy with DIY

7. Rural Stenches – classic smells of the countryside identified for listeners

8. Masterwave – tense competition as contestants prepare microwavable ready meals against the clock for vindictive judges Anne Robinson and Nick Hewer.

9. How to talk to the servants by Jacob Rees-Mogg.

A spokesperson for Radio 4 said: ‘We are fully committed engaging youngsters because a lot of our current listenership are dying of old age which isn’t great for ratings. We even had an under 60 tune in the other day, so it shows how well our new strategy of ‘getting down with the kids’ is working.’

additional contributions by SteveB & Lockjaw54

‘Hancock genius' remark signals Rees-Mogg's return to frontline politics

Jacob Rees-Mogg’s assessment of how Matt Hancock handled the pandemic, has reportedly convinced Boris Johnson to encourage the leader of the house to play a bigger part in frontline politics once more. Despite Mr Hancock’s spectacular fall from grace since.

The part-time Gussie Fink-Nottle impersonator, once an almost daily source of comedy entertainment on our screens, disappeared from public life quite some time ago giving considerable cause for concern to absolutely no one at all.

On hearing the news, Billericay whelk stall holder, Barry Shite said: ‘If this is true then I’m well made-up, cos Jacob’s my guy. Look mate, just like him, I never had fack all until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.’

‘See, we’re cut from the same cloff, innit? And now he’s back on the scene, the man in the street’s gonna get a fair crack of the whip. It ain’t no sin to be borassic, and Jacob, more than most, knows that only too well.’