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Levelling up: Boris moves entire North offshore

Updated: Dec 3, 2021

The whole North of England has been moved to a PO Box in the British Virgin Islands, it was confirmed today.

'It’s the simplest way of levelling up', said a government spokesman.

'All northerner wages will cross the Atlantic, do the double Irish and circumnavigate the Channel Islands before hitting pockets. The only tax they’ll pay will be on Wetherspoons beer, pies and whippet insurance. Hardly any loss to the treasury, according to my mate Piers.'

However, some Conservatives expressed concern that the cost of public services for Redcar, Ribblesdale and Rotherham would fall on southern shoulders.

'There’s an easy solution to that', said a spokesperson for Jacob Rees-Mogg MP. 'Stash the South in the Cayman Islands in a multilayered fund structure. Beyond that, Jacob reckons that if a wage-earner in Wokingham is stupid enough to lose his money to a Turkmen jumble sale scam that’s his lookout. He should have gone to a better school.'

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