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Sunak’s new policy: Levelling Down



After discovering that it might take more than a refurbished leisure centre and some new library books to bring the North up to the same levels of affluence as the South, Rishi Sunak has decided to give up on the project and impoverish the South instead.


‘We thought “the North” was just Birmingham’, explained a Conservative Party spokesman. ‘Turns out it’s fucking massive. It would cost hundreds of billions to do a decent job and that money is already earmarked for, well, us. So the new plan is to improve equality by Levelling Down’.


Sunderland has been chosen as the benchmark city. Every town which is poorer than Sunderland will be literally levelled and every town or city with average wealth levels higher than Sunderland will be gradually impoverished through the usual Government policies until the whole country achieves uniformity.


‘Except the Home Counties, obviously’ said the spokesman. ‘And parts of London. The good bits.’



image from pixabay


First published 1 Feb 2023


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Genghis Khan defects to the Labour Party




Scourge of civilisation and warrior emperor of half the known world, Genghis Khan, has announced that, following disappointing local election results, he is leaving the Conservative Party to join Keir Starmer's Labour.


'This is a great result for sensible, middle-of-the-road politics" announced Sir Keir, grinning nervously as he shook hands with the axe-wielding war lord. "Plus Mr Khan has some radical policy ideas about small boats which I am sure will make a splash on the campaign trail.'


The move has been greeted with alarm by many in the Labour party, and indeed all around the country, as they fear that the Mongol chief seeks to replace the Tory 'levelling up' agenda with a more drastic plan to simply 'level' everything in sight. 'Still, said one veteran socialist, 'at least he's not Farage, eh?'.

Levelling Up North Fund spent building homes in San Francisco



A leaked document seen by Newsbiscuit has revealed that the government has been building homes in Northern California where rental prices are the highest in the world and the return on investment is greatest.


It isn’t clear who will be receiving the rental income on these properties as the government spokescrook told us all the WhatsApp messages that might help answer our questions had disappeared 'but just the incriminating ones'.


A lawyer we consulted told us that technically, as the government only said it was investing taxpayers’ money "in the north", we can’t assume they meant the north of England. so spending it in north California is probably legal, even if the 'medicinal' crops being grown in the new gardens probably aren't. Secretary of State for Levelling Up Michael Gove is said to be 'totally levelled up, man'.


When the government spokescrook was asked if the expensive new homes were going to be built near to Rishi Sunak's $5 million California penthouse pad , the atmosphere grew noticeably chillier.


Our investigative journalist declined the kind invitation to have a personal viewing of a penthouse suite in a high-rise building named in the document, saying 'I prefer my defenestrations to be in 17th century Prague. I don't want to go the way of a government WhatsApp.'


H/T: sirlupus



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