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Boris Johnson off to see the Wizard of Oz, with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Dominic Raab


The Prime Minister today announced that he shall be setting off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, accompanied by Jacob "Tin Man" Rees-Mogg, and Dominic "Scarecrow" Raab, in order to secure help in the Tory Party finding it's way home. This was caused by a terrible storm of back-handers which physically lifted the Tory Party into the air and dropped it in what turned out to be familiar territory. On encountering the Wicked Witch of the Centre-Left, Kier Starmer, in the House of Con-Mens, Boris raised his fists shouting put 'em up, put 'em up, then ran off when Starmer actually did.


Rees-Mogg, famous for his caring attitude to victims of flammable cladding, and Raab, whose grasp of important import-export routes in the UK is the stuff of legend, will accompany Johnson in his quest. They hoped to be cheered on their way by The Back-Benchkins, but will not be joined by Nicola "Dorothy" Sturgeon, renowned for singing "somewhere over in Glasgow". Many of the Back-Benchkins are Friends of Dorothy, but are rather too coy to come out and say so.


They hope to make "much progress, very soon" but have been warned of the difficulties with border checks when trying to enter the home of the Wizard, The Emerald Isle.






First published 19 Nov 2021


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Rees-Mogg assures the British public that earthquakes are perfectly safe



Fears that fracking could cause the British Isles to crack and sink without trace have been dismissed by His Majesty's custodian of the 19th century, Jacob Rees-Mogg.


After winding up his steam-powered pocket watch, the Rt Hon member for the Eton tuck shop made a statement to the House of Commons. That statement has since been translated from the dulcet tones of Anglo-Saxon it was uttered in:


‘The nearest drilling hole to Mogg castle is some 530 miles away. The only physical manifestation of the 8.9 magnitude earthquake it caused three years ago was a bone china cup plummeting to the floor of the pantry and scaring the wits out of one of the scullery maids. It can be concluded, therefore, that the scientific evidence proves beyond all doubt that drilling holes under all British homes and pumping huge quantities of pressurised liquid along them at unimaginable velocities is perfectly safe.’


To no cheers whatsoever, even from his own side, Mr Rees-Mogg conceded that he wore an earthquake resistant steel-lined top hat at all times, just in case.




First published 26 Sep 2022


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Rees-Mogg: "All UK mobile phones to use same coal scuttle standard by 2024"




Government Minister and Bash Street softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has announced that all mobile phones sold in Britain will not only be coal fired but must all use the same coal scuttle with a standard volume of half a sack.


Mr Rees-Mogg explained more "The tiny island of the EU are trying to suppress the mobile telephone charger market by insisting on new fangled 'electrical' connection to provide horse power, British telephones should use British coal mined by British children and we can make things much easier for British mobile telephone makers - of which, I'm sure there are many, by setting a standard for scuttle size by 1824 (sic)."



First published 13 June 2022



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