In a fresh wave of frenzied speculation, journalists announced today that they still have no idea what will be in Rachel Reeves’ budget next week.
'It’s actually quite annoying,' said Quentin Hack of the Daily Heil. 'The government, as always, haven’t said in advance what they’re going to do. But somehow my editor expects frequent ‘updates’ on something that was a complete non-story in the first place.
'So let’s see… obviously public services need more money… but is an already unpopular government really going to raise taxes? Probably not… so, yeah, no idea what’s going to happen. Pretty much like Rachel Reeves herself, I suspect.'
Hack then asked if he could be moved off political news to showbiz, at which point he was immediately asked to speculate, without any information at all, about who’ll be the next actor to play Bond.
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'Our next blockbuster will be based on a real-life drama,' said a spokes-clapper board for the Bond franchise. It will have 007 travelling across five continents, jumping out of helicopters and dodging laser beams by millimetres, to capture two people alleged to have spied against Britain for China.'
'There's a fascinating plot twist when it turns out he may as well not have bothered, because they get let off.'
The ending is, indeed, the dampest squib ever to have been inflicted on the film-going public, as a chinless wonder from the Foreign Office persuades the Crown Prosecution Service to abandon the case.
'It would have meant the government saying in open court that China is our enemy, M tells Bond. 'But we can't have that. Otherwise, the Chinese might get upset and treat even more horribly than they do now.
'But thank you ever so much for risking your life yet again in the defence of Britain, 007.'
'What's the point?" Bond replies, ripping up his licence to kill. "Whatever is the sodding point any more?'
The new Bond movie, "On Her Majesty's Spineless Service", won't be opening at a Crown Court near you.