Batman is to be new James Bond

In a move that has set the world of superheroes reeling, Barbra Broccoli, long-time Bond producer and custodian of the James Bond brand, has announced that Batman is to be the new James Bond, taking over from Daniel Craig.

The announcement was made after an intense weekend of auditions at a secret location in southeast London which led to headlines like Broccoli to Brockley.

The caped crusader beat off competition from the likes of Callum Turner, Jack Lowden and Josh O'Connor, leaving those who had wanted the first black Bond bitterly disappointed.

On hearing he was successful Batman said: 'I've been an admirer of James' work for many years, particularly the strides he has made in tackling those who would threaten to blow up Earth itself. It is an honour to take up the mantle.'

Others are not so happy. Spiderman, Superman and the Hulk issued a joint statement saying: 'We deplore one of our number going to the other side like this, chasing the Amazon dollar [Amazon now has creative control of the Bond franchise]. We are also very sorry to report that Batman's faithful partner Robin has gone straight into therapy.'

Meanwhile, how Batman will use Bond's most famous phrase remains a closely guarded secret. Perhaps simply: 'The name's 'man. Batman.'

Image: WixAI

Auditions underway for new Bond Villain

The race is on to find a ‘bad actor’ worthy of becoming James Bond’s adversary in the franchise reboot.

Donald Trump has already been rejected – the make-up and adult diaper bills would have been ruinous, even for a Hollywood blockbuster.

Benjamin Netanyahu was another early reject. Might have looked anti-Semitic, plus he has all sorts of kompromat on, well, everybody. Best not risk it.

Elon Musk is a strong contender though the screenwriters have said they might struggle to humanise him enough to make him relatable. Fair point.

So . . a posh Brit again? Couldn’t be Nigel Farage – no self-respecting Bond villain would lower himself to pick up a mere £5 million if he found it on the floor - but our Nigel’s a shoo-in for the role of ‘weaselly sycophant who gets tipped into a shark tank’ in Act One. The studio has already received hundreds of letters from sharks volunteering for THAT role.

NewsBiscuit’s hot tip for Bond villain: Jacob Rees-Mogg. The voice alone is somehow punchable. Couple it with a top hat and monocle and we think he could be the one we never tire of seeing on the receiving end of an ICBM. The challenge for the writers will be making him appear sufficiently competent to run something more complex than a tombola at the village fete.

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Image: ChatGPT

FIFA denies Infantino is slowly turning into a Bond villain

FIFA has dismissed suggestions that Gianni Infantino is transforming into a Bond villain after he was photographed at a summit alongside The Hood from Thunderbirds, Dr Evil and Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Concerns were first raised after Infantino unveiled FIFA’s plans for the 2034 World Cup while stroking a white Persian cat and explaining that matches would be staged “wherever pleases me”.

The Hood reportedly welcomed the announcement before using his hypnotic powers to persuade delegates that a 48-team World Cup was “actually quite a simple format”. He later proposed Tracy Island as the venue for the 2038 tournament, pointing out that it already had excellent transport links if you happened to own a supersonic aircraft, a rocket or a submarine.

FIFA officials described the bid as “considerably more practical than several we have accepted”. Dr Evil was reported to have submitted a rival bid to host the 2042 World Cup on the moon for “ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS”. Infantino described the proposal as “very interesting”.

Blofeld, meanwhile, is understood to have questioned FIFA’s governance arrangements. “Even SPECTRE has an ethics committee,” he said. The meeting concluded with Infantino pressing a large red button beneath his desk. FIFA insists the subsequent disappearance of the Norwegian Football Association was entirely coincidental. International Rescue was called, but declined to intervene after discovering that FIFA wanted £4,000 for a rescue package, plus hospitality.

Asked whether world football was now effectively controlled by a tiny group of sinister bald men sitting in an underground lair, Infantino laughed for several minutes before replying: “Football unites the world. Would you like to invest in some FIFA bonds?”

https://pixabay.com/photos/daniel-craig-daniel-craig-1829795/

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