Journalists “still have no idea” what will be in budget

In a fresh wave of frenzied speculation, journalists announced today that they still have no idea what will be in Rachel Reeves’ budget next week.  

'It’s actually quite annoying,' said Quentin Hack of the Daily Heil. 'The government, as always, haven’t said in advance what they’re going to do. But somehow my editor expects frequent ‘updates’ on something that was a complete non-story in the first place.

'So let’s see… obviously public services need more money… but is an already unpopular government really going to raise taxes? Probably not… so, yeah, no idea what’s going to happen. Pretty much like Rachel Reeves herself, I suspect.'

Hack then asked if he could be moved off political news to showbiz, at which point he was immediately asked to speculate, without any information at all, about who’ll be the next actor to play Bond.

New Bond movie to feature abandoned Chinese spy case

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'Our next blockbuster will be based on a real-life drama,' said a spokes-clapper board for the Bond franchise. It will have 007 travelling across five continents, jumping out of helicopters and dodging laser beams by millimetres, to capture two people alleged to have spied against Britain for China.'

'There's a fascinating plot twist when it turns out he may as well not have bothered, because they get let off.'

The ending is, indeed, the dampest squib ever to have been inflicted on the film-going public, as a chinless wonder from the Foreign Office persuades the Crown Prosecution Service to abandon the case.

'It would have meant the government saying in open court that China is our enemy, M tells Bond. 'But we can't have that. Otherwise, the Chinese might get upset and treat even more horribly than they do now.

'But thank you ever so much for risking your life yet again in the defence of Britain, 007.'

'What's the point?" Bond replies, ripping up his licence to kill. "Whatever is the sodding point any more?'

The new Bond movie, "On Her Majesty's Spineless Service", won't be opening at a Crown Court near you.

Jeff Bezos: Saviour Of The World

The world has fallen prostrate at the feet of Amazon warehouse king, Jeff Bezos. Despite the best efforts of the police, various governments, parents, teachers, social workers, etc around the world, no one has managed to reduce gun crime, let alone stop it.

Then Jeff Bezos had a fantastic idea. Buy the James Bond franchise and airbrush all the guns out of the posters.

‘I’m completely shocked.’ explains Nancy Dempton of London’s East End. ‘I never would’ve thought. We had quite a lot of gun crime around here – not as much as there used to be but still, there’s enough. The police have been having amnesties and all sorts but nothing has worked. Jeff Bezos should absolutely get the Nobel Peace Prize for this.’

Not everyone is happy though. Donald Trump made use of a press conference about the situation between Russia and Ukraine to share his thoughts: ‘Guns are great. Aren’t guns great? Guns are great. Guns don’t shoot people – guns shoot bullets. Beautiful guns shooting beautiful bullets. James Bond – or 007 as I like to call him – we’re friends, you know that? Yeah we’re friends – we’re old friends. Go way back – I taught him everything he knows. I also invented his car that goes under water. You see that car? The car that goes under water? I invented that. So yeah, 007 - He calls me number one - 007 should have more guns! Bigger guns! The guy wears a belt – he could fit atleast a half dozen holsters on there, and he has pockets – he wears jackets. Lots of jackets. Lots of jackets means lots of pockets. One gun in each pocket – maybe two if they’re big pockets. I dunno – are they big pockets? I dunno. Or small guns. Are they small guns? I dunno that either – nobody knows. Nobody knows. He’s very secretive about the size of his guns – always has been. I always liked that about him. He also has two beautiful strong shoulders. Two manly, strong, beautiful shoulders. He could easily have a rifle over each shoulder. That’s how you end gun crime. More guns than the other guy. Bigger and better guns than the other guy.’

And as if ridding the world of gun crime wasn’t enough, word is going round that Bezos isn’t done yet. According to his spokesman Marvin Tubbard, Bezos is now going to rid the world of womanising by also removing all the women from the Bond posters.

An international petition has already gained 200,000,000 signatures for Bezos to edit other classic film posters, to make the world an even safer, more harmonious place.

https://pixabay.com/photos/aston-martin-db5-james-bond-2736376/

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