Bond comes out of retirement to warn Rachel Reeves

A smartly dressed man ordered a martini for Rachel Reeves, asking it to be not stirred, but very shaken.

‘The name’s Bonds. Government Bonds.

‘Your polishies are a dishaster.  You’ve borrowed too much.  You’re shpending too much. I’m Government Bonds, and I’ve come out of retirement to warn you to turn back.  My interest levels in your activities are very high – the highest they’ve been since 1998. They’re heading towards 007 per cent.

‘Don’t try and laugh that off. That period since 1998 includes the Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng debacle, Brexit, and the whole Boris Johnson evil supervillain thing.

People are shkared. They are saving all their money, and they're worried about a tax bombshell.  Government spending is up, living costs are up, taxes are up, the games up. Turn back now, or everything will blow up.

And why are you stroking a fluffy white cat?

Image credit: perchance.org

Tommy Robinson may be the new James Bond

Our media correspondent understands from someone that they know, who is mates with someone associated with the Bond Franchise, that Tommy Robinson may be considered for a part in the next James Bond movie.

[That’s enough distancing. Get on with it! Ed.]

‘You couldn’t get anyone more out and out English than Tommy. Considering his staunch stance of keeping England for the English.

'Look at his actual name: Steven Christopher Yaxley-Lennon. I mean, it’s double-barrelled and everything.

'He’s fit as butcher’s dog, and he can take care of himself. Look at that altercation at St Pancras Station. Hardly a scratch on him, and the other fellah was out cold.

'He has a jet set lifestyle. See how he just hopped on a plane to Tenerife the day after. '

'Racist, misogynist and violent? Must be worth a punt '

Image: OpenClipart-Vectors - Pixabay

Putin in talks to become the next James Bond

Sources in Moscow say the Kremlin is negotiating with the internet giant Amazon about President Vladimir Putin being offered the role as the next James Bond.

The idea has come as a surprise to Amazon, who now control the James Bond franchise, as Putin is not apparently known to have any acting skills, being capable of only one menacing expression which he has performed continuously since 1989.

It is understood that the current President has not had to compete with other actors for the part. Most actors would throw themselves at the opportunity to play James Bond but now risk mysteriously throwing themselves out of a window if they dare audition for it. Putin has told friends that he would feel at home playing an agent working for the British Secret Service since historically most of their best spies all turned out to be working for Russia anyway. As for the part itself, the Kremlin believes that Putin as the new Bond will leave audiences shaken and not stirred, although perhaps also but also frothing at the mouth depending on the dose of nerve agent involved.

Image: WixAI