Trump: I am James Bond

With the revelation that Trump was a CIA asset, he now claims to be a MI6 agent operating at the highest level.

'The President grabbed Octopussy, for sure,' said an aide, and Gold Finger was definitely him. Not sure about the discoloured smudge on his hand, though. That might just be sh!t.

'He disagrees with Diamonds being forever, his preference is for Crypto. And obviously Scaramanga is a code word for Epstein. Three nipples, yes, but two belonged to an underage girl who the President saved. For later,' he added.

image from pixabay

Bond comes out of retirement to warn Rachel Reeves

A smartly dressed man ordered a martini for Rachel Reeves, asking it to be not stirred, but very shaken.

‘The name’s Bonds. Government Bonds.

‘Your polishies are a dishaster.  You’ve borrowed too much.  You’re shpending too much. I’m Government Bonds, and I’ve come out of retirement to warn you to turn back.  My interest levels in your activities are very high – the highest they’ve been since 1998. They’re heading towards 007 per cent.

‘Don’t try and laugh that off. That period since 1998 includes the Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng debacle, Brexit, and the whole Boris Johnson evil supervillain thing.

People are shkared. They are saving all their money, and they're worried about a tax bombshell.  Government spending is up, living costs are up, taxes are up, the games up. Turn back now, or everything will blow up.

And why are you stroking a fluffy white cat?

Image credit: perchance.org

Tommy Robinson may be the new James Bond

Our media correspondent understands from someone that they know, who is mates with someone associated with the Bond Franchise, that Tommy Robinson may be considered for a part in the next James Bond movie.

[That’s enough distancing. Get on with it! Ed.]

‘You couldn’t get anyone more out and out English than Tommy. Considering his staunch stance of keeping England for the English.

'Look at his actual name: Steven Christopher Yaxley-Lennon. I mean, it’s double-barrelled and everything.

'He’s fit as butcher’s dog, and he can take care of himself. Look at that altercation at St Pancras Station. Hardly a scratch on him, and the other fellah was out cold.

'He has a jet set lifestyle. See how he just hopped on a plane to Tenerife the day after. '

'Racist, misogynist and violent? Must be worth a punt '

Image: OpenClipart-Vectors - Pixabay