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UK Government announces deal to send Illegal Immigrants to Iceberg A23a



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UK Home Secretary, James Cleverly, has announced a deal with Iceberg A23a to process illegal immigrants coming to the UK in "Small Boats". The iceberg, a massive 280m deep and has a landmass twice the size of London,  was carved from the Antarctic coast in 1986 and is about to drift beyond the reaches of the Continent.


'This Conservative Government has yet again come up with a deal that is innovative, humane, value for money and a clear deterrent", said Mr Cleverly, "The iceberg is completely free of people and is run entirely by some very enterprising Polar Bears whose only requirement was a steady supply of Meat and Fish. We will ensure they get this in abundance saving millions for the British taxpayer.'


Mr Cleverly also went only to say that Human Rights concerns are baseless as Polar Bears are not human and are therefore exempt from it's purview.


A spokesbear growled, "This is a great deal as our needs are simple, we want meet and fish and you have plenty to send us."


Photo by Hubert Neufeld on Unsplash

Conservatives announce new rules to form a protective ring around immigrant health and care workers

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In a chilling and perhaps portentous reminder, Home Secretary James Cleverly announced a 5 point plan to form a "protective ring" around immigrant health and care workers.



On announcing the measures he told the press conference that he would like cut annual immigration figures by 300,000 and stepping closer to the microphone said, "by any means necessary".



The measures are detailed as:


  • Ban health and care workers bringing family dependants, personal affects, memories, clothes, medical needs, aspirations to citizenship and shifty looks to the UK.

  • End companies being able to pay workers 20% less than the going rate for jobs on a shortage occupation list and insist they pay them 80% less and make them sleep onsite in what Mr Cleverly calls "Houses of Work". They will not be able to leave these houses until they have paid into the national coffers for 17 years.

  • Increase the annual charge foreign workers pay to use the NHS from £624 to £100,035 with a 60% surcharge going to national interests (The Conservative Party).

  • Raise the minimum income for family visas to £382,700 from £26,200, from next spring, all applicants will be assigned a cabinet member to work with on VIP, no question asked Government supply deals.

  • Ask the government's migration adviser to review the graduate visa route to "prevent foreigners learning too much".


Mr Cleverly has vowed to "do what is required of me by The Telegraph and The Mail" to bring down net migration and to fan the flames of the culture war.


Opposition leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has declined to comment until he hears what most people are saying.


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