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Astronomers face unexpected attack from social media



Having found that planet HD 189733 b whiffs of rotten eggs, social media keyboard warriors have raised concerns that scientists may be training the James Webb Space Telescope to search for planets that smell of sugar and spice and all things nice and have accused these scientists of paedophillia, since this is what little girls are alleged to be made from.


Sir Patrick Valance, who was recently appointed by the Prime Minister as Science Minister said the idea was almost as absurd as those he heard government ministers spout during the pandemic, but the Reform UK leader echoed the words of Mandy Rice-Davies of the Profumo scandal fame, by saying “Well he would say that, wouldn’t he?”




James Webb telescope fails to provide breath-taking photos for third day in a row




Astronomers have expressed frustration that the James Webb telescope hasn't produced fantastic images for days. 'Just a lot of dark sky with bright spots randomly spread across it,' said one astronomer. 'It's just like looking at the night sky,' said another.


The telescope promised to bring new, fantastic images from deep space, but astronomers have concluded that space looks 'pretty much the same' no matter how deep you look. 'We had a spot of excitement yesterday when we saw something really different, but it turned out to be a fly on the monitor,' said a research scientist today. Another got really worked up over an image print-out, but realised the printer cartridge needed changing.


'Stuff downloading mega-sized files to convert into boring nightscapes,' said a top scientist, 'I'm just going to lie on my back in the garden tonight with a cheeky zinfandel at my side and hope it doesn't rain.'


James Webb telescope images reveal knack all



Controversial statement made by Bran Coax, Professor of PE at the Shortt-Plancks Institute, Washington (Tyne and Wear).


"It's the same old sh*t," he declared to our Science Editor Jami Alkoloid. "Ten billion dollars, to look back (air quotes) 13 billion years and it still just looks like Firework Night.


"Dark matter, pah! My left nut. Let me tell you my own ground-breaking, or should that be firmament-breaking theory? It is called the Insects on the Windshield Theory. Basically, we are hurtling through space and .... Hey! Where are you going? The World needs to know this. Stop! My research grant runs out next month".


image from pixabay

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