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Your local parish priest reckons absolutely everything happening in the world is rich pickings for an analogy to Jesus and His work, it has been confirmed.


In recent weeks, Father Michael O’Brien, 53, has used the war in Ukraine, the Final of the Apprentice, the World Snooker Championships and two magpies sat on a tree in his garden as fodder for his sermons, with stretched metaphors to God leaving his congregation looking increasingly perplexed.


‘I watched the Man City v Liverpool game last Sunday with anticipation and foreboding’ noted O’Brien, in his latest missive from the pulpit. ‘Like our Lord, both teams were striving to ‘be their best’, but doubting themselves. Pep Guardiola was no doubt swearing at the players at half time and overturning the tables in his ‘temple just like Jesus did when he was a young man. And wasn’t it just like our Saviour’s attempt to reach out to his disciples when the Liverpool goalie literally reached out to tip that shot over the bar?’


O’Brien has already penned the next few weeks’ sermons for his congregation, finding God somewhere in the council elections, the Queen’s jubilee and the first round of Britain’s Got Talent.


‘Even this crappy little satirical piece you’ve written mocking my sermons is a bit like Jesus, isn’t it?’, said O’Brien earnestly. ‘The second flabby paragraph with no real gags is like Jesus’s 40 days in the wilderness. And then there’s a sort of joke and hidden message here where I’m mocking myself - not unlike Jesus mocking himself in the garden of Gethsemane’. ‘


Will there be a fantastic end - similar to the second coming of Jesus - with a pithy killer punchline?’, said O Brien. ‘Ah, sadly, it seems not’.




First published 16 April 2022



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Due to Easter falling quite late this year, UK shoppers have been gifted the privilege of one of the longer Easter tat availability timelines. Based on Easter Eggs being slammed on the shelves at 6:00am Boxing Day, lucky consumers will be able to buy loosely egg-based chocolate treats for a whopping 115 days.


This is exactly what Jesus would have wanted.


Pretty much nearly a third of the year will have designated shopping aisles being filled with overpriced, over packaged confectionary. Thank God for that. Literally.


The most recent longest ever EAT (Egg Availability Timeline) was in 1943 and was deemed by chocolate manufactures (not Lindt) as a turning point in World War 2 leading to the destruction of Nazi ideology forever. With luck, history will repeat itself.





Chowing down on a Filet-O-Fish and the odd loaf, Jesus today confirmed he had returned to Earth for a MaccieDs.


Commenting on speculation of a permanent return, Jesus denied such drastic action, ‘I’ve got it good in Heaven. Only problem is, God’s so lenient, staff hardly ever show up for work, which is a real pain when you want a takeaway. I’ve tried to talk Him into investing into those self-service stations but he wants to be seen as a people person, so for the moment it’s a no go.’



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