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Maxwell imprisoned for sex trafficking to no one

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It has been revealed that the Epstein client list never existed. Jimmy Saville was a harmless DJ. And Prince Andrew just likes paying random ladies £12m. This does mean Ghislaine Maxwell has spent more time in jail for a crime she didn't commit than the A-Team.


Her defence lawyer explained: 'If no clients existed, then all Miss Maxwell is guilty of is giving a bunch of teenage girls a lovely holiday on an empty island. It's like a jolly Duke of Edinburgh award - without the other Duke.'


The public are gutted that all their conspiracy theories have disappeared - along with all the witnesses. Said one CIA operative: 'You think you were duped? Imagine how silly we feel after killing Jeffrey Epstein!'



Son of former BBC exec discovers rare unseen episodes of Jim’ll Touch It


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The son of a recently deceased former BBC executive has discovered several previously unseen episodes of Jim’ll Touch It from 1975 hidden in a box in his late father’s shed.


The popular Saturday night programme saw members of the public being ushered into a dark room at the BBC Television Centre, while producers and TV executives looked the other way.


What happened in the room was never made clear, as hardly any contestants wanted to talk about it afterwards. However they all left with the much cherished ‘Jim Touched It For Me’ medal and a haunted look in their eye.


Very few copies of Jim’ll Touch It survive, due to the BBC’s former policy of recording over previously used tapes to save vital costs and ensure all incriminating evidence was properly covered up.


Head of BBC archives Colin Wimblington said “The discovery of these missing episodes is a rare and wonderful opportunity to relive one of the most popular scandals in the BBC’s long and illustrious history of scandals.”


A special gala night of viewing is being planned, as BBC2 will show these episodes for the first time. Other treats on offer will include clips of some of the best controversial BBC moments, such as Martin Bashir’s 1995 interview with Princess Diana, a 30 minute montage of Fiona Bruce’s rampant Hitlerian rhetoric, that thing with Cliff Richard and the helicopters, and worst of all BBC scandals, fly on the wall footage of the meeting in which someone decided to give Michael McIntyre his own TV show.


Greengrocer



First published 8 May 2023



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Gen X-er inadvertently turns 50


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West Midland Gen X-er Daniel Seventies* woke up last Wednesday to find he was actually 50 years old, and that time is linear.


'I never thought it would happen to me,' he said, as a tear rolled down his cheek, 'I mean just 10 years ago it was 1985, and I was 11, eating Opal Fruits and writing to ask Jim to fix it for me.'


Born half a century ago, when the vinyl renaissance was just a naissance, Martin grew up blissfully unaware of climate change, inclusivity, and the physical passage of time beyond 1995, for which he blames his parents and the persistent nostalgia in the mass media.


Asked for comment, Martin's mother, Pamela* said, 'He's not 50 - he can't be, because that would mean I'm...'


Pamela fainted and was kept overnight in hospital for observation. She will recuperate on the Isle of Wight, where time is always 30 years behind.


*Names have been changed to protect sources from age-related memes/sympathy.


Image: WixAI


Author: lucienne

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