Residents of Ashfield in Derbyshire were delighted with the news that their Member of Parliament is no longer the dimmest member of the Reform Party after former MP Jonathan Gullis announced his defection from the Conservatives.
"He's never been the sharpest tool in the box," one resident told us," like that time he got caught asking a mate to pretend to be a floating voter who he talked round to voting Conservative, but he looks like Stephen Hawking compared to that pudding."
Gullis himself was delighted to sign his membership for Reform, once the committee found a crayon for him in a colour he liked. "It was difficult," one of them said. "First he had a tantrum because there weren't any dark blue ones, only turquoise. Then we had to get him to stop chewing on it long enough to make a mark on the paper. Luckily we've got people trained in that after the rush earlier this year of people signing people up to be prospective councillors. All it took was a sippy cup of juice, a quick nap, and he was good as gold!"
Though happy with their conquest, the party isn't resting on its laurels, remarking, "We've now poached the cream of the Tories in Andrea Leadsom, Nadine Dorries and Jonathan Gullis. We're still courting our big blue chip Tory, but getting them to come over is proving difficult. However, we're looking closely at the demands from their team. All it apparently is going to take from our side is an assurance that the headquarters is a completely lettuce-free zone."
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