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Fears of conspiracy theories following Maxwell’s suicide

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The US Department of Justice has issued a statement saying they “don’t want to hear a whole load of conspiracy theories” after Ghislaine Maxwell commits suicide this weekend.


“I know what you people are like - you go on the internet, find a blogpost casting doubt on the official version of events, and the whole thing spirals from there.


“But I don’t want to see that happening this weekend after Ghislaine Maxwell’s found dead in her cell. It’s suicide, plain and simple… or will be, I should say. So don’t go getting yourselves and other people all worked up over nothing.”


The spokesman went on to complain he told them not to do it at the weekend, as people just have too much free time to gossip and speculate, but no one listens to him.


Asked whether the whole thing wasn’t just a bit too much like Jeffrey Epstein, he replied “No, not at all - this time we’ll get the ligature marks at the right angle.”


image from pixabay


Shock as Epstein Files reveal huge number of references to Mr Blobby

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The first tranche of the Epstein files were released by the US Justice Department yesterday and shockingly revealed a decade long relationship between Epstein and popular UK Entertainer, Mr Blobby.


The nature of their relationship is unclear but flight logs showed that Mr Blobby was on a number of flights to Epstein Island. Further analysis into these flights showed that he jumped out of the plane prior to landing on a number of occasions; tried to take over piloting the plane; haphazardly served food and drinks to other celebrities; and tried to ride a drinks trolley out of the airplane door whilst carrying Bill Clinton on his shoulder.


A spokesman for Mr Blobby told us, "Mr Blobby regrets his relationship with Mr Epstein and witnessed no crimes being perpetrated. My client barely remembers being on the plane and has not had any contact with Mr Epstein since the mid-2000s. He had travelled as a guest of Bill Clinton as he was advising him on Foreign Policy at the time."


We reached out directly to Mr Blobby in person at his mansion in Surrey but he simply barged us hilariously out of the way whilst shouting, "BLOBBY, BLOBBY, BLOBBY" before getting in a large chauffeur driven car. Noel Edmonds was unavailable for comment.


image from Google Gemini

Spiteful Starmer creates Four Tier Justice

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After being falsely accused of creating a two tier justice system, Starmer makes a four tier League of Justice, just out of spite and sponsor money.


Sailing very close to several major DC Comics copyright infringements, this new League of Justice will be the Crown of the Prosecution World, to be envied by all other nations until it is bought by Saudi Arabia.


The Premiership Justice

This is clearly for only the best of the best of the rich. You need a lot of money to maintain this level of highly proficient justice and it can be both spectacular and overrated. The sponsor money alone even surpasses the TV rights. If you want good seats, Starmer knows a guy.


Championship Justice

The kind of justice that people expect, solid, not exciting and having mostly expected results. It is limited in size, and it is a massive problem if you don’t qualify for it. Again, money gets you the good results.


League 1 Justice

Not going to lie, the colour of the your skin is a factor here. The justice is not massively technical and it is hard going, if you have a poor defence, you will be punished with route one justice, straight to prison.


League 2 Justice

This level of justice is the most difficult to get out of, you can be left floundering for years or just drop out of it completely, totally ignored. It is not pretty to witness but there can be odd moments of joy, sometimes on a rainy Tuesday evening, a long way from home.


If you can’t even get into these tiers, you end up with the Non-Justice League, it's madness, shear bloody madness.




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