Spiteful Starmer creates Four Tier Justice

After being falsely accused of creating a two tier justice system, Starmer makes a four tier League of Justice, just out of spite and sponsor money.

Sailing very close to several major DC Comics copyright infringements, this new League of Justice will be the Crown of the Prosecution World, to be envied by all other nations until it is bought by Saudi Arabia.

The Premiership Justice

This is clearly for only the best of the best of the rich. You need a lot of money to maintain this level of highly proficient justice and it can be both spectacular and overrated. The sponsor money alone even surpasses the TV rights. If you want good seats, Starmer knows a guy.

Championship Justice

The kind of justice that people expect, solid, not exciting and having mostly expected results. It is limited in size, and it is a massive problem if you don’t qualify for it. Again, money gets you the good results.

League 1 Justice

Not going to lie, the colour of the your skin is a factor here. The justice is not massively technical and it is hard going, if you have a poor defence, you will be punished with route one justice, straight to prison.

League 2 Justice

This level of justice is the most difficult to get out of, you can be left floundering for years or just drop out of it completely, totally ignored. It is not pretty to witness but there can be odd moments of joy, sometimes on a rainy Tuesday evening, a long way from home.

If you can’t even get into these tiers, you end up with the Non-Justice League, it's madness, shear bloody madness.

https://pixabay.com/photos/justice-statue-lady-justice-2060093/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

'Community Snipers' to be deployed against litterbugs

Keir Starmer has declared war on littering. His first salvo is an announcement that vehicles involved in fly-tipping would be crushed – occupied or not.

'Up to them, innit', he told reporters before taking a drag on his Marlboro. 'Best be quick though, them electromagnets can lift a jam about eighty feet in the air faster than you can shit yerself'.

Other measures against litterers include 'community snipers', paid on a bounty basis.

'Stands to reason dunnit', said the Prime Minister. 'We can use special forces or make it a genuine community affair and train little old ladies. Maybe get a brass band along, organise a Summer Fete, Morris dancers, that sort of thing. As long as the scumbags get the message, I don't care who pulls the f*cking trigger'.

When asked whether he was consciously trying to toughen up his image to stave off the threat from Reform, Starmer reacted angrily.

'Listen you slaag, we've tried playing nicely and the streets are full of shit. What do you want me to do, send 'em to Bruges first? Look at the swans and the canals? If that was me, if I'd dropped a used coke can in the street I'd top myself, on the spot. Crushing's too good for 'em'.

Community groups have expressed some reservations about the policy. The National Trust have pointed out that 'corpses are litter, too', the British Brass Band Association flat refuse to work with Morris dancers after that fiasco in Coventry and the Women's Institute have asked where they can sign up for training.

Image: WixAI

Rev Green set to be freed as new evidence points to shocking miscarriage of justice

Convicted murderer, The Reverend Green, is to be released from prison after what’s being called a gross miscarriage of justice during the now infamous Cluedo Mansion murder case in 2009.

Green was sent down for a full life term without remission, following Mum’s revelation it was he who committed the grizzly murder using a length of lead-piping in the mansion’s stately ballroom.

However, that conviction is now being called unsafe after new evidence emerged accusing Mum of being a serial cheat at all family board games.

Daughter Tamsin confirmed Mum had once stashed an extra £500 note from a second Monopoly set, in order to settle a crippling fine that would otherwise have seen her crash out of the game after she landed on Mayfair which belonged to Toby who had a hotel on it.

Dad said: ‘You think you know someone and that they can be trusted, then they go and do something like this. It’s impossible to convict Rev Green now as we only have Mum’s word for it that the incriminating evidence was actually even in the envelope at that time.’

But Mum was putting on a brave face. ‘They can say what they like. I’m not worried. At the end of the day, this is all just over a silly trivial pursuit.'

www.newsbiscuit.com 

First published 25 April 2023

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