Shock as Epstein Files reveal huge number of references to Mr Blobby

The first tranche of the Epstein files were released by the US Justice Department yesterday and shockingly revealed a decade long relationship between Epstein and popular UK Entertainer, Mr Blobby.

The nature of their relationship is unclear but flight logs showed that Mr Blobby was on a number of flights to Epstein Island. Further analysis into these flights showed that he jumped out of the plane prior to landing on a number of occasions; tried to take over piloting the plane; haphazardly served food and drinks to other celebrities; and tried to ride a drinks trolley out of the airplane door whilst carrying Bill Clinton on his shoulder.

A spokesman for Mr Blobby told us, "Mr Blobby regrets his relationship with Mr Epstein and witnessed no crimes being perpetrated. My client barely remembers being on the plane and has not had any contact with Mr Epstein since the mid-2000s. He had travelled as a guest of Bill Clinton as he was advising him on Foreign Policy at the time."

We reached out directly to Mr Blobby in person at his mansion in Surrey but he simply barged us hilariously out of the way whilst shouting, "BLOBBY, BLOBBY, BLOBBY" before getting in a large chauffeur driven car. Noel Edmonds was unavailable for comment.

image from Google Gemini

Spiteful Starmer creates Four Tier Justice

After being falsely accused of creating a two tier justice system, Starmer makes a four tier League of Justice, just out of spite and sponsor money.

Sailing very close to several major DC Comics copyright infringements, this new League of Justice will be the Crown of the Prosecution World, to be envied by all other nations until it is bought by Saudi Arabia.

The Premiership Justice

This is clearly for only the best of the best of the rich. You need a lot of money to maintain this level of highly proficient justice and it can be both spectacular and overrated. The sponsor money alone even surpasses the TV rights. If you want good seats, Starmer knows a guy.

Championship Justice

The kind of justice that people expect, solid, not exciting and having mostly expected results. It is limited in size, and it is a massive problem if you don’t qualify for it. Again, money gets you the good results.

League 1 Justice

Not going to lie, the colour of the your skin is a factor here. The justice is not massively technical and it is hard going, if you have a poor defence, you will be punished with route one justice, straight to prison.

League 2 Justice

This level of justice is the most difficult to get out of, you can be left floundering for years or just drop out of it completely, totally ignored. It is not pretty to witness but there can be odd moments of joy, sometimes on a rainy Tuesday evening, a long way from home.

If you can’t even get into these tiers, you end up with the Non-Justice League, it's madness, shear bloody madness.

https://pixabay.com/photos/justice-statue-lady-justice-2060093/

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'Community Snipers' to be deployed against litterbugs

Keir Starmer has declared war on littering. His first salvo is an announcement that vehicles involved in fly-tipping would be crushed – occupied or not.

'Up to them, innit', he told reporters before taking a drag on his Marlboro. 'Best be quick though, them electromagnets can lift a jam about eighty feet in the air faster than you can shit yerself'.

Other measures against litterers include 'community snipers', paid on a bounty basis.

'Stands to reason dunnit', said the Prime Minister. 'We can use special forces or make it a genuine community affair and train little old ladies. Maybe get a brass band along, organise a Summer Fete, Morris dancers, that sort of thing. As long as the scumbags get the message, I don't care who pulls the f*cking trigger'.

When asked whether he was consciously trying to toughen up his image to stave off the threat from Reform, Starmer reacted angrily.

'Listen you slaag, we've tried playing nicely and the streets are full of shit. What do you want me to do, send 'em to Bruges first? Look at the swans and the canals? If that was me, if I'd dropped a used coke can in the street I'd top myself, on the spot. Crushing's too good for 'em'.

Community groups have expressed some reservations about the policy. The National Trust have pointed out that 'corpses are litter, too', the British Brass Band Association flat refuse to work with Morris dancers after that fiasco in Coventry and the Women's Institute have asked where they can sign up for training.

Image: WixAI