Free STARMER QUITS! cut and paste headline for all our readers

We are proud to announce a special one-off, never-to-be-repeated, endlessly-repeatable offer. Famous for being first with the news before it happens, after it happens, or roughly adjacent to when it happens, we now bring you the deal of a lifetime.

Ever wanted to remember where you were when SIR KEIR QUITS? Tired of telling your friends SIR KEIR HAS QUIT when, irritatingly, he still hasn’t?

Now you can cut and paste your very own interactive headline:

SIR KEIR QUITS!

Perfect for sacked aides, disgruntled backbenchers, angry columnists and opposition parties of all shapes and ideological confusions.

No need to worry about cost with our special FREE introductory price of £19.99 plus postage.

This headline is fully guaranteed for six months, or until it accidentally becomes true.

Grab yours now while stocks last, or until the next leadership challenge makes it obsolete.

Image credit: Wix AI

No budget for assisted dying, says Government

After voting for Assisted Dying last week, the government has told voters that there is no budget to pay for it.

Protestors have been out on the streets complaining about, yet another, "one rule for the rich and one rule for the poor" policy from the Starmer government. 

One protestor, Dave Simmons, from Tipton told Newsbiscuit, "Once again this government has passed legislation which only the very rich in society can take advantage of. My gran is on a life support and would love to die, but the government won't let her. At this rate she could live forever and we'll never get her house.

Opposition MPs are furious. Tory Shadow Minister for Health, Wealth and Happiness, Uriah Heap, told our reporter, 'This bill is an absolute disgrace. We, the Conservatives, are supposed to be the haters of the poor, not Labour. They're supposed to be the nice ones.'

Labour MP, Tony Capp, said, 'Relatives of the poor will just have to stick to the traditional methods of a toaster in the bathroom or marbles on the stairs. Anyway, I don't know why people are complaining, the removal of the Winter Fuel Allowance will finish a lot of them off.'

'To the pure, everything is pure,' say Labour's seraphim

'We really resent these allegations that we're no better than the Tories,' said a Downing Street spokes-angel, addressing reporters with a look of wounded innocence on its wondrous face.

'Conservative Prime Ministers took freebies from millionaire donors because they were disgustingly venal and degenerate' the minister of God continued. 'The current PM, on the other hand, took freebies from a millionaire donor because he is so utterly childlike and naive in the ways of the world.

'It would never occur to someone as good as Keir 'Woolly Lambkins' Starmer that anything he did might possibly be bad.

'To the pure, everything is pure.

'The same goes for our saintly chancellor cancelling winter fuel allowances for most of Britain's elderly so she could save a few bob for the Treasury.

'She's so sweet-natured that she'd never have done anything this mean, had it not been for the wicked bastard putrid Tory scum forcing her into it.'

After this, Downing Street press officers ushered reporters into the back garden of Number Ten to see all the cherubim and seraphim in the Labour cabinet cast down their golden crowns and sing 'Holy! Holy! Holy!' in praise of themselves.

Picture credit: Wix AI