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National Trust suspends Keir Starmer's membership

The National Trust has voted to suspend Prime Minister Keir Starmer over his role in increasing National Insurance contributions.


Members of the organisation, one of the UK's largest, also overwhelmingly voted to re-examine its relationship with Labour over the issue.  They said Sir Keir had been suspended for bringing the organisation into disrepute, after the National Trust was forced to make 550 people redundant because of the extra costs of employers' national insurance and the minimum wage.


There was some confusion over Sir Keir’s membership of the National Trust. Number 10 claimed that he was no longer a member and had made the difficult decision to resign and cancelled his direct debit months ago, and therefore could not be suspended.


Number 10 remained tight lipped on various wild claims that Sir Keir was unhappy with Trust policies on fox hunting, slavery, colonialism, its relationships its with tenant farmers, car parking charges, and the price of scones.



Starmer Snap Election

Keir Starmer has denied confiding to NewsBiscuit's non-existent parliamentary correspondent that, in light of the way he and his government have been thorough fucked over by his own parliamentary party in the past few days, he has been contemplating holding a snap general election.


'We have learned the hard way that having a massive parliamentary majority does not protect us from suffering the humiliation of defeat when trying to pass legislation' he denied having said 'so we came to the conclusion that the only solution would be to hold a snap general election.'


'With any luck, this would result in us having a vastly reduced, wafer-thin majority in the House of Commons.  We now know that this wouldn't make it any harder to pass legislation, and would at least make parliamentary defeat far less humiliating.  However, if we got really lucky, we might even lose a general election, and be able to let some other bunch of ambitious but deluded tossers take over.'


'A good outcome, even if we know that these naïve idiots will spend their entire term of office blaming their immediate predecessors for everything that they screw up; we'll simply adopt the Tory policy (copying the Lib Dems) of simply turning ourselves invisible.'




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