Plan for change: Keir apologises for small typo

Starmer launched his plan for change today, and set out his key milestones.  This fills in some of the detail that couldn't be put into the election manifesto for fear of scaring the voters.

Unfortunately, Keir has had to issue a swift correction on one of the pledges.  Due to a minor transcription error, the pledge to ‘treat 18% of NHS patients within 92 weeks’ was incorrectly announced with the numbers transposed.

Keir Starmer said that he felt obliged to issue the correction quickly, so that people on NHS waiting lists didn’t get their hopes up.

Image: Pixabay/mspark0

Starmer sets out new target to be in bed by 11pm

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Nye Bevan clones ‘almost ready to resurrect Labour’

It’s the scientific breakthrough of the century. DNA harvested from Nye Bevan’s toothbrush has been used to clone the great man dozens of times. A coal mine has been secretly reopened in South Wales to give the young clones a suitably grim start in life. Four of the clones died in a hush-hush pit disaster which ‘thrilled’ Labour leaders.

“For a generation, Labour has been weakened by the middle classes hoovering up most of the top jobs” a spokesman told us. “We have plenty of poor people but it turns out that poverty alone isn’t enough – you need brains, heart, charisma. And, ideally, a bit of four-part close harmony singing”.

Labour HQ got the idea after watching The Boys From Brazil. “We wanted to recapture Labour’s lost soul”, the spokesman told us. “Or at least locate it”.

It isn’t the first time that movies have provided inspiration. Keir Starmer was created after a screening of Edward Scissorhands. “The technology just isn’t ready”, sighed the spokesman. “It’s a pretty good replica human with lifelike movements and speech patterns, but no heart. Also the charging regime means we have to stand him in the corner for six hours every night, humming away. I have nightmares of him running out of juice during Prime Minister’s Questions – not that anybody would notice”.

Conservative HQ has its own history with cinema. Their screening of ‘Wall Street’ in the 1980s became the template for the party’s economic policies, and more recently CCHQ staffers ‘bitterly regret’ allowing Suella Braverman to stay up and watch ‘Alien’.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/mostafaelturkey36-13328910/

First published 7 Dec 2022

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