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It's the one thing which could save Labour from election catastrophe, say Britain's political pundits.


Yes! Labour could pick up thousands of votes from disillusioned punters casting protest ballots against the nations two dominant parties: Reform UK and the Greens.


'I thought of voting for one of those big parties,' said disillusioned voter Tracey from Clacton. 'But my mate Paul told me that one of them got five million krypto injections from a billionaire, or summat like that.


'And I heard that the other one says he speaks for the Red Cross, but he should be speaking for the Green Cross Code, shouldn't he, if he's a Green?'


'That's when I decided to waste my vote on some lot who are led a total loser and who've got no chance of winning any seats at all. Labour were the obvious ones."


'Labour is increasingly becoming the party of choice for voters who want to have a laugh at this election and who've got a bit bored with clown shows like Screaming Lord Sutch and Ed Davey," said one bemused psephologist. 'Supporting sad-sack Starmer is the trendy new way to put two fingers up to a two-party state dominated by the Greens and Reform UK.'


An unreliable source told us that he had seen Sir Keir Starmer at a polling station in Farrington Gurney dressed as Bozo the Clown, and lobbing custard pies at tied-up labradors.



Image credit: perchance.org



From NewsBiscuit special correspondent herculepoisson


Marine biologists have today found a new form of crustacean with unprecedented qualities of adhesion.


'What's unique about this creature is that it is a land-based barnacle,' said Professor Steve Simpson of the University of Plymouth. 'It seems to adhere to exclusive central London properties and then refuse, under any circumstances, to relinquish its grip and leave.'


The more common marine-based crustaceans are noted for their tendency to attach themselves to large shipping vessels, often causing significant drag and slowing the progress of everyone on board.


'There is no indication that the Keir Starmacle has ears and is swayed by outside noise,' continued Simpson. 'To all intents and purposes it appears utterly lifeless, but good luck removing the bugger.'


Concerned Whitehall residents are exploring all options to remove the unsightly crustacean, and this afternoon Wes Streeting and Andy Burnham were seen leaving a local Screwfix holding a high-powered pressure washer.


Author: herculepoisson


Image credit: perchance.org


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