Ukraine plot twist - it was all a dream

Keir Starmer and President Zelensky have agreed to use the Pam Ewing peace plan. With this plan, Russia withdraws to its borders, the last 50 years never happened, and Bobby Ewing becomes head of NATO.

Continuity-wise, this means erasing the Putin storyline, but Zelenskyy said he has no problem with that. The entire misstep of the provoking the Russians will be put down too much cheese the night before. The fever dream will allow the show to run for another season-at least until winter kicks in.

Critics have said that the Pam Dream Plan is not plausible, but supporters point out that neither was a Ukraine victory. Some say it is not canon, but Zelenskyy is not very keen on any kind of canon. Meanwhile, the Trump Peace Plan will be repurposed for the EastEnders Xmas special, where everyone dies.

Image credit: Stable Diffusion

Budget 2025: Your questions answered

Q: I'm hearing a lot about "fiscal drag" in this budget. Will Ru Paul be presenting it? (Cecil from Penge)

A: Naturally.

Q: This tax hike on betting is diabolical, isn't it? (Gary from Aintree)

A: We agree, raising the tax rate on sports betting from 15% to 25% means that when you chuck all your money away, you won't be enriching the deserving bookie so much. You'll be wasting a quarter of your dosh on funding schools and hospitals.

Q: My budget is moulting, and it won't play with its mirror or its bell. (Doris from Braintree)

A: I'm sorry to hear that. Take your budget to the vets first thing in the morning.

Q: Kemi Badenoch called this "the most chaotic budget ever". Is she right? (Keir from Westminster)

A: Objectively speaking, of course it was. But one shouldn't be too harsh on Rachel Reeves. You have no idea how difficult it is to prepare Britain's budget when you haven't a clue what you are doing.

https://pixabay.com/photos/shop-supermarket-grocery-cart-4527402/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Andy Burnham's cunning plan

Andy Burnham is undecided whether to become leader of the New Labour Party, the Alternative Labour Party, the Official Labour Party, the Special Labour Party, the Original Labour Party, the National Labour Party, Your Labour Party, the Reformed Labour Party, the Restructured Labour Party, the Re-Configured Labour Party, the Resurrected Labour Party, Not-The-Conservative Labour Party, the Liberal-Labour-Democrat Party or the Real Labour Party.

In response, Sir Keir Starmer issued a statement 'My position on the question of my leadership - and let me be absolutely clear about this - is that there is no question or uncertainty about any doubts there may or may not be about any possibility, now or at any time in the future, that waffle drone something-or-other mumble mumble it's-all-the-fault-of-the-Tories more waffle clear-way-forward mumble mumble path to a brighter future waffle drone.'

(Our correspondent is not entirely confident of the accuracy of his report of the latter part of Sir Keir's statement since he thinks he may have fallen asleep, but he can't really remember whether he actually did or not.)