Starmer scours the shops for that must have Xmas present

There is always one thing at Christmas that turns out to be the ‘must have’ present and is nowhere to be found.

Remember searching for that Tracy Island toy, or Pokémon, or Cabbage Patch dolls?

Everyone is afflicted, even the Prime Minister.  Keir Starmer’s top team are scouring all the shopping centres inside the M25 on his behalf.  And Keir himself has taken a long lunch break to search the shops on Oxford Street in London.  All to no avail.

Keir is desperately searching for the perfect Christmas gift for the UK electorate.  It is called ‘good news’, but this has been in very short supply since June 2024.  Keir has come close to finding some good news, but at the last minute it is always snatched from his grasp.  He’s even tried sourcing good news from overseas, but without success.

The ending of the two-child cap seems like good news, but if you don’t also raise the benefits cap, then it’s not as good as it looks.  Supporting our pubs seems like good news, but successive hikes in minimum wage and whacking up business rates have ruined that one.  Inflation coming down seems like good news, but if the price of food keeps going up, then that’s not so good.  Reducing electricity bills by £150 also seems like good news, but if you then load on all the costs of upgrading the national grid, then the good work is undone.

So, the search continues.  Good luck, Keir.  Only seven more shopping days to Christmas...

image from pixabay

Keir Starmer features in NewsBiscuit panto

Is it a cold, superflu, or Covid?

Covid, flu and colds share many of the same symptoms, so telling them apart can be difficult. Here is our handy guide to what you’ve got:

• You need a day off for Christmas shopping – it’s a cold

• You need a week off for a break in the sun – it’s flu (unless you’ve already used that excuse, in which case it’s Covid)

• You need to get out of drinks with the awful people up the street – it’s a cold (although if you tell them it’s herpes, then you might get out of next year's event as well)

• You are Lando Norris – it’s all three, but you won the F1 championship anyway

• You are the PM – it’s Covid, and it’s all the fault of the previous Tory government

• You are Rachel Reeves – it’s none of these trivial illnesses. It’s probably the Black Death or psittacosis

• You are Michael Jackson – it’s monkeypox

• You are waiting in A&E – it’s all three, plus a bonus Hospital Acquired Infection

• You are an England cricketer – it’s none of the above, unfortunately. Maybe do some more practice?

Image credit: deep dream generator