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Nurses to make up their wages with tips, says Reeves.


Chancellor of the Exchequer, and proud owner of a Casio calculator watch, Rachel Reeves, has announced that to save the NHS money, nurses salaries could be made up with tips from satisfied patients.



"We do it for hairdressers, waiters and taxi drivers, so why not NHS staff?" she is alleged to have said after her third glass of sherry, at 9am on Boxing Day. "It could save us £20 billion a year in salaries, allowing us to spend more money on hospitals, schools, public transport, and biscuits."



"Patients could tip nurses for the services they provide. For example, we recommend a couple of quid for giving out medication, a fiver for helping patients to the toilet, and a tenner for a sponge bath. A nurse's earnings could exceed £50000 a year, if they find themselves on the right ward." 



A spokesman for the government has assured us that this is not official government policy, nurses will not have to buy their own uniforms from Ann Summers, and that Ms Reeves had only had a few hours' sleep and had eaten just three Quality Streets and a Celebration for breakfast that day. 


UK debt grows like Topsy in madcap Labour pantomime

Pantomime season kicks off this week with Labour's production of Jack and the Beancounter at Westminster Children's Puppet Theatre.


Village idiot Jack (played by head puppet Keir Starmer in a wooden performance) swaps a cow for a beancounter (played by Rachel Reeves, who says she counted lots of beans at HBOS, but didn't really).


To gasps of admiration from her fellow village idiots in the cabinet, Rachel builds a pile of debt for the UK which soars high into the sky, almost going into space. She also creates a magic tax which is meant to cause working people no harm but which forces businesses to lay off staff and drives the UK economy into recession.


"I will save Britain, children!" says her bitter rival, Deputy Fairy Godmother Angela Rayner, clicking the heels of her magic Lord Alli stilettos.


"Oh no you won't!" scream the children in response, "because you wouldn't have the first idea of where to start."


Look out for David Lammy and Wes Streeting as the two ugly sisters, and a cameo performance from Baron Hard-Up, who says to millionaires in the audience: "You wouldn't want to grow MY debt pile, would you? I've got a shedload of alimony to pay, dash it, and no one's been buying my memoirs because they're so rubbish."


The Labour government pantomime will run until well after Christmas, getting less funny with every passing day.




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