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Off with his head - Queen to go medieval on PM



A corgi, barking on condition of anonymity, has claimed that a 'gin soaked' Queen is planning to 'go medieval' and publicly execute Boris Johnson, whilst pretending to give him a knighthood.


'Her Maj must have attended a lot of work events recently because there are suitcases everywhere and she was stumbling around, slurring the words to "Danny Boy". But I also heard her cackling that 'swoosh and it's done' and how she'd be the most popular monarch in history. Boris wouldn't see it coming because he never brushes his hair and he's usually wasted. The knighthood/execution was to be the platinum jubilee celebration highlight, but now she just wants to get head-exit done. Charles will compost his body, while Liz gets yet another teardrop tattoo. Then I overheard her saying she was going to chop off a different part of Andrew to feed to us, the corgis. Chipolata?'


Cost of knighthood 'way beyond means of average crook on the make'

The Bank of England has expressed concern that cost of knighthoods has risen beyond the reach of the ordinary corrupt, egotistical, rich bastard in the street. The Governor, Sir Sir Sir Sir Sir Andrew Bailey, explained: 'Forty years ago, being an MP was enough to be guaranteed a knighthood; 30 years ago, 300k would get it, but nowadays, being a rich, stupid person isn't enough. You have to be a stupidly rich, rich person and donate a couple of million.'


Asked asked why he hadn't received a knighthood, Prime Minister Boris Johnson (no, really) replied: 'Ah, well, when I was told how much it cost, I asked a donor to pay for it, then he ended getting it.'

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